To keep silent, or not to keep silent.

There are many blogs in my head right now. And the following idea is stolen from fellow blogger Mrs. Sarah Fitzpatrick.

Potential titles may include:

I'm not made for this.
Tension: Constructive or destructive?
To write it down.
Please go look for common sense and come back once you've found it.
Patience: what I thought I had.
Humbling kindness.
What happened to my road map?

The list goes on, people. And for most of these, a title in this blog is all the recognition that they will get. The battle is always what to post, or what to even write down in ink - the purpose in doing so is that one can remember. This is precisely why on some, will never be published, not here, and not in the red journal that sits next to my bed.

In some cases, titles are all that are needed to relieve the chaos between my ears. For now, it will have to suffice.

Kiss you where you lay - Chris Trapper on my life.

I have more to learn about life than I'd like to admit - am I the only one? More recently it's been about the conditions of love - if there are any. It seems I expect and except love in it's conditional form, and sit in bewilderment of love in it's unconditional form. I suppose the problem is understanding how someone (God or person) can look past my imperfections (selfishness and stubbornness amongst others) and want me the same.

It's a Chris Trapper music day at work - one of my favorites came on and it made perfect sense - better than I understood it years ago when the album came out:

'Cause all I need is to know your heart's
hung on your sleeve like mine
'Cause last glance romance
and desperate dances
left me out to dry
There will be a last time

For I'd do anything to prove my love
for you is not on stage
The dream where I live
will float where you live
and kiss you where you lay.

I'm not sure how well it goes with the previous statement, but to me, it makes perfect sense in my big mess of thoughts swirling in my head. It's about shared risk. It's about admitting the flaws and talking about those things you must overcome.

I threw myself a little pity party last night and realized this morning that even my mindset of me being the flawed one, me being the dejected one, is selfish. This idea of 'oh look at me and how imperfect I am, feel bad, comfort me,' nonsense can so easily become the step-sister of egotism. It seems we are at war with self, constantly. I will fail, and will fail again. And one day I'll get better at it.

The 2nd time around I'll know better.

So says the poor bloke who stepped into my office to wreak havoc on my peace of mind this afternoon. The man is 44 years old and really believes he has life figured out. Today, he decided he would pass on some of his acquired 'wisdom' to me. This is what I got out of it:

1. You will not marry the one you are with when you are 23 years old.

2. IF you happen to beat the odds and get hitched, don't worry, it won't last.

3. The longer you are alone the better you'll be with someone.

4. We should always take the easy route. Why run 70 miles when you could run 40?

5. Something magical happens when you are 35 - you wake up knowing exactly what you want.

6. Being enamored with someone is a bad thing.

7. If you are a woman under the age of 30, you must be unrealistic, obsessive, and blinded by idealism.

I could go on... and on... but I won't. Clearly, you can see that the man is a genius. He should write a book, or 10 of them, on how to be the ultimate douche bag by preying on young adults to avoid your own insecurities.

I will admit this is a bit of a harsh post, but after being patronized by such a person, I fear I lack the self control to not be affected by it. First, it was frustration and defeat. Then, confident and thankful. Lastly, empathetic and sad. This man was tearing down my ideals, and my belief that I can actually veer away from statistics and be the exception and not the rule. When I get married one day, it will be forever. The plan is to every day be a woman that is deserving of the man who promises himself to me, to respect him, to love and support him, and continue to grow with and invest in that relationship as long as I walk this earth. That is my plan, and there is no plan B, no backup - nothing. If I get married tomorrow, or in 10 years, that plan will not change.

All of that was going through my mind and as soon as he left the office I felt horrible for him. I'm sure he didn't plan to get divorced, and I'm sure that everything in his life is exactly how he would have wanted it because admitting that it wasn't would be far more difficult, far more vulnerable. I am sad that he thinks what he lived has to be the norm and that it can't ever be improved on. I'm sad that he feels like a marriage of 40 years is greater than one that is 70 years because it is easier.

Him and his new wife have 4 kids combined. I sincerely hope that one of them grows up to show him another way, a better one.

Autumn.

I felt the need to light a vanilla scented candle and put on a sweatshirt before I sat down tonight - I just felt right. If there was something I could do to make the temperature drop and rain begin to fall, I'd do it. Fall has always been my favorite season and the good thing about being in Southern California is that it seems to last until Spring, since Winter rarely shows up to take it's place in line.

I can't really remember when it started, but I'd venture to say that it is more than just the weather that I love, it's the season, the parties, the holidays, and sharing all of those things with the people who mean the most to me.

Naturally flowing from that, comes the nostalgia of years past. I don't find myself getting emotional much anymore about how this season has changed in my life over the last 3 years. I'm not sure if the third time's a charm gig works for family life situations, but perhaps I'm living proof. Also, I'm not sure what my role is in the situation anymore. What kind of power do I have?

Today at my office an affiliated business partner came in to show his face and to see what he could do for our team. He isn't typically someone I'm dying to speak with; he's bad listener, he brags, and most of the time, makes me feel less of a person and to be frank, uncool. I never thought that feeling from grade school would come back in adulthood - I seem to be very wrong.

We arrived upon the subject of marriage, but mostly divorce. I'll speak more of this in a separate post, but the correlation was too good not to say it now. My question still bounces around my head. At what point can/should one call it quits? On your Spouse (to be discussed later), on your family, on your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc? 3 years have come and gone, and I am still not really sure how I got here.

It's been something I've thought about in the last few weeks more than I have in a long time. That's all, and Autumn seems to have a way of re-igniting such activity.

Feelings: a love/hate relationship.

So often it seems that my life is spent attempting to understand what I feel about it. It's been a battle. A battle to use words that feel, words that explain, and words that bring transparency to my heart and mind. The trouble in it for me is that in actuality, I feel very deeply, and the inability to then identify, understand, and explain becomes the problem. Is there anyone out there who has an easy answer for me? I guess I don't really want an easy answer, I'd just like to be a professional describer of feelings in a way that allows people to know me without wanting to run in the other direction whilst I fumble over incorrect adjectives and descriptors. Eek.. that wasn't what I meant, again.

I bring this up again because I decided how I felt today. It only took me 2 days - that's progress, folks.

Detached. That is what I decided while I ate my frozen yogurt after a mediocre lunch that took up too much room in my stomach. For some reason it seems the world is moving to and fro, and I remain motionless. Something is not connected.

I flew home from Boston on Tuesday evening after a short dream of a week visiting historical sites, savoring delicious meals, trying new things, and spending time with and learning from one of the most amazing people I know. I'm fairly certain it's the culprit as the cause of my feeling the way that I do. For me, I've found I feel the most alive, the most myself when I am experiencing something new (or possibly something old in a new way). Maybe I'm addicted to growth, to knowledge, to broadening views or maybe the OC just doesn't cut it for me. It seems I've left a part of my spirit in Boston, because I feel only half of me has returned home. (Insert pity party here).

I suppose that all I am left with is a dilemma. I feel the social and personal responsibility to rise above the feelings I experience to complete tasks and move forward on commitments to my family, friends, and clients - I just wish feeling like doing those things came with it. Someone wise I know told me once to do what I need to do when I need to do it, and the feelings will follow. I think I will go with that for now, since I lack an epiphany of my own.

A mess in my mind.

There are days when the rain seems appropriate. Today was one of them.

I’ve loved the smell of the air when rain is on it’s way, and I’ve loved even more the smell of the crisp air that follows right behind it’s passing. Somehow natures way of cleaning things is far better than our man-made, toxic cleaners to the mess we’ve made.

In the same way that I anxiously await the first rainfall of the season, I long for a season of downpours upon my very life. I will not, cannot say that I have nothing, or that I lack at all. I cannot say that I am without love or friendship. I cannot say that I am without joy – I will not. And yet, on the other hand, I believe that the beautiful things in life can and will be tarnished by the dirt of humanity.

I’d like my life to be rained on, poured on.

It seems that much of what I claim as my own, many of the relationships I am a part of have grown dusty, dull, muddy even. Some haven’t seen water in years.

I’d like to gaze upon the beauty that I believe still exists under the muck and mire that I’m sure I’ve only added to over the years.

Oh let it rain. Let it rain on my blurred perceptions. Let it rain on my muddied mind. Let it rain on hate and pride. Let it rain on my burdened heart. Oh let it rain.

Cynic turned Realist: Love.

In Junior High I was obsessed with understanding what love really was. I’m not exactly sure what I was hoping to find, but I remember writing, reading, and thinking for 2 years and giving up a hopeless mess. I took the cynical route claiming that love was merely a choice - nothing more, nothing less. In hindsight, it was a little bit of a burden for a 13 year old.

Ten years later, I think I am finally starting to get the real picture.

Now I can see where I wanted to go with the idea of choice – I wanted it to be consistent and it seemed that if it was a feeling-based state of mind, it would be up, down, here, there, and gone before you know it. I knew that wasn’t right, but I didn’t have much else to go on. I sing a different tune these days.

Love is. It is. It takes care of, it takes interest in. It’s selfless, and remains without conditions. It sifts the unimportant and hurtful from meaning and poignancy. Love speaks, it touches. Love forgives and communicates. Love is quiet and it’s deep. It’s open and transparent. It’s grounded. It’s real.

I don’t know for sure if I thought in Jr. High that I’d find love to mimic a fairytale with a prince and princess, there were ounces of such thought, of that I am sure.

Now, I am coming to find that the beauty of the real thing is its lack of fairytale-ness in every sense of the word. Expectations are easier to meet and we are allowed to remain ourselves. Lord knows I’d make a terrible princess.

There was no amount of reading and thinking I could have done at age 11 that could have brought any sort of clarity. I needed to be taught, and more than taught, I needed to be shown.

It’s pretty wild what being loved can do to you. It’s challenging, humbling, calming, wonderful, and is worth all of the effort necessary.

To love perfectly, well, that’s a whole other story, and one I’m sure I will never be able to write. I should probably finish the one I started to write 10 years ago.

I think the 13-year-old me wouldn’t have a problem with the ‘me’ today and my take on that whole ‘love’ thing. Thanks, Whitney circa 2000, for your approval.

Lacking and Learning

When do we finally stop playing the victim and actually bring about change? I’ve struggled with this question for far too long it seems. Often, issues arrive and I find myself feeling down and depressed, claiming that I didn’t grow up in an environment that fostered the sharing of feelings or healthy problem solving techniques. I’ve felt lost in numerous situations when trying to figure out how to approach such things, even after studying them in college. There is just something about having a tangible example that seems to make all the difference.

Here I sit, without the wisdom that such experiences bring.

On my drive home tonight I couldn’t help but think that it is all just merely an excuse. My upbringing no longer dictates my life and who I will become, and yet, I allow it that very kind of control by playing it’s victim. I am the adult now, silly me resigning myself to what is expected. I can’t remember ever being OK with that kind of life – one that resigns it’s self to its expected detriment. That has never been me, and I won’t let it become that way.

Truth be told, I’m great at telling people that they are adults, and should no longer allow their parents mistakes and mishaps shape and define their person. Look who’s talking now.
Daily, I’m reminded of my shortcomings and areas in which I must grow to even begin to deserve the love that I’ve found.

If I know one thing right now, I know that I’m done making those same excuses.

Yes, that feels good.

Dreams and their death.

I feel I have become a professional at grieving the loss of dreams. As years continue to pass me by, I pathetically remember the deadlines I had given myself for the completion of major life events. For so long I was a walking calendar with my main objectives only to make the date and never be late.

I fight the urge still today to return to the old ways, but I’d like to think that I am older and wiser now. Still, there are evenings when I lie awake in bed considering what I’ve made of my life, wondering if I have amounted up to what I thought I should. Debbie Downer? Perhaps. It’s funny how there are days when you feel more bummed and overwhelmed than others. It just might be the grieving of dreams that have died.

We set lofty goals for ourselves, and are naturally discouraged when they do not turn out how we imagined. Rather than look at where we are instead, we more often than not choose to dwell on where we aren’t.

When you think about it, it makes you wonder if dreaming was ever a good idea in the first place! Some say you are setting yourself up for failure when you dream. I think I say that you are setting yourself up for something, which is certainly better than nothing. If dreaming gets you up and moving, do it. A step forward is a step in the right direction.

Never in a million years would I have predicted that I would be where I am today, doing what I do, and being the person that I am. It was nothing that I planned, and certainly never dreamed (in fact I dreamt quite the opposite). It was my dreams that got me going, though, and along the way opportunities presented themselves and I opted in. In a way, I relinquished little by little pieces of my ‘dream’ and allowed it to become something else. Call it the divine hand of God gently guiding my life away from one road to head down another. I believe with all of my heart that even my small ability to take the ‘big picture’ perspective in life situations is nothing compared to the One who created the big picture. I’d argue that He knows best. He can guide all he wants.

With every dream that I grieve the loss of, I get better at understanding and appreciating that new one that has been handed to me.

Are there still days when I feel like I haven’t done enough? Yes. I wish I could say that the feeling of failure has been permanently been replaced with one of accomplishment and satisfaction, but alas, it has not (and may never be). The one thing I am sure of is that in search of these ‘dreams’ (both dead and alive), I’ve found myself, a life that I love, and a peace in the fact that I am not the one in control.

That is quite enough for me.

Super Size Me!

Circa March 22nd, 2010.


I’ve been more introspective lately than I have been for a while – it sure feels good to be back. As I sit here with a bottle of water and an espresso brownie I snagged from the kitchen (yes, after I brushed my teeth), I feel like there are a million thoughts swirling around in my head. (or is it just the caffeine?)

I took a midterm today for my advertising class, and for some odd reason everything I read seemed to reinforce this idea that I had been carrying around for a couple of days. I’d say the thought begins with culture, our culture to be exact. We live in arguably one of the greatest countries in the world – or so many claim. Yes, it’s a lofty claim, but what do we value really, that isn’t lofty?


Would you like to supersize your order?

Have I showed you this oceanfront home? It has every luxury you can imagine at a mere cost of $4.2 Mil.

You’re only getting two?

He’s flying to New York City to propose.

Don’t worry, it’s only going to cost $24 trillion dollars.

“Cost isn’t a consideration with this one…”

If only I had an iPad.


As our waistlines grow, our country falls deeper into debt, and the state of California is on a high-speed train to bankruptcy – we seek lofty things – HUGE things even. We do it as a society, and as individuals. We seek BIG gestures. We’re used to loud noise – at all times.

Part of my essay for the midterm this afternoon was to discuss the criticisms with advertising today – most of which stem directly from the theory that advertising shapes our culture, rather than just reflecting it. I sat there for a good 5 minutes without putting my lead to the paper considering my agreement/opposition of this theory. How influenced am I by this lifestyle of big gestures? I hate to admit that it’s definitely had its moments where it got the better of me. Big gestures are enticing. The make us look and seem important to others (most of whom we may not even know), they grant us a sense of value and worthiness, at least for a time.

This may just my own experience talking, but for me, the bigger the gesture gets, the less meaning it holds. While the big gestures make us valuable to and noticed by others, the small things make us feel appreciated and loved by people we know. In more recent days, I’ve found that a simple note, a good-morning text message, and a long hug after a tough work day have held greater meaning and influence than any other ‘big gesture’ sort of thing ever did. Maybe one day I’ll say otherwise – I just think in a world where few lines are drawn and people are more concerned with one-upping another than anything else, I find it much more satisfying to soak in the small things.

Sigh. I have a feeling I’ll chew on this one for a while.

Needs and Wants

I have been thinking (and laughing a little) about how much we rely on other people. I don't think I necessarily mean how we rely on them in big ways - like how we once relied on our parents when we were infants, but more in simple, every day ways that we as adults rely on other adults.

Throughout the day I hear people running back to an office "What did I just say?" or "What was the last name on that file again?" The responder laughs, offers the answer and life goes on. I love watching couples have a conversation together with someone else. You'll find them looking at each other in agreement (or disagreement) and every so often you'll hear one seek affirmation from the other. They give an answer, turn to their partner and ask, "right, honey?"

I wonder that we really need each other in this way. I mean, if we thought long enough, we could remember the last name, what we had said minutes previous, and we can certainly answer for ourselves - we do so often. A big part of me loves that while we can do these things alone, we chose to include another.

In the last couple of weeks I've thought a lot about 'need' versus 'want'. I never thought myself a needy person, and on occasion I worry that I have become just that. Really though, it's not (in this case) that I need something, it's just that I want it, and I realize that my life is better with certain people in it than without. While I do not NEED them, I want them and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's just a small thought for the day, but a meaningful one. Think about all the times we look to another to help us think, remember, or just purely to include them in our life. It's neat, not needy.

It helps me remember that while our culture is so calloused and closed off, we still want to include, and be included in the lives of others.

A life in progress

Rarely do I ever feel I complete a task. It seems that everything in my life is 'in progress'- myself included.

I get to work in the morning and spend 8 hours 'making progress' on files, and in my 5th month of the job, I still haven't seen any of those files I began upon my arrival to it's completion. Talk about patience, frustration, perseverance...

All of this progress seems to be a constant theme in every aspect of my life for the time being. Call me a waiter. No, not the kind that comes to your table and takes your order and brings you drinks, no, I mean someone who waits.

I wait for the banks to respond, for clients to call back, and for the I5 to clear up.

Reality is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel of the current real estate market, and these time-consuming (and some times frustrating) deals will end eventually. In the mean time, I am learning what it means to work hard and remember that I am providing a service to (most of the time) wonderful clients that are a joy to work with. It's worth it when you know that you are helping people.

Life, well, that is a different story. A light at the end of the tunnel? I think not. I am convinced that this process of becoming the 'me' that I was made to become is one that, in the duration of time I spend on this earth, never ends. I strive to be teachable, moldable, and to be open to new ideas - I got what I was after, apparently, and it seems to be much more work than I expected.

I'm ok with struggle and change, just so long as I'm a better version of myself when I come out on the other side.

I'm a list maker - sometimes to my own detriment.

I think I’m pretty predictable. Sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s bad.

Today, like I get from time to time, I am feeling pretty down on myself. It usually begins with feeling convicted about some issue in life, in a relationship, etc. and one thing leads to another and I end up feeling like a pretty horrible person who has done little with my life. Extreme? Perhaps.

It’s days like today that I remember what I was like constantly for so long. Always trying to be the best at everything, saying ‘no’ to nothing, and striving to be perfect above all else. I wish I could say that in my strivings it was to bring God glory, and to help others, except, most of the time it wasn’t. I did it so that I could live up to the expectations of others. Every night I went to sleep with a burden resting on my shoulders that could have weighed down the world.

Last Thursday my boyfriend left for a 6-week back packing trip through Europe. 11 Countries, 42 days. He’s with his best friend on a trip that they had been thinking about and planning for a year. I figured why not use his 6-week trip to make some deadlines for myself. I thought it would perhaps make time pass quickly and allow me to make headway on things I’ve wanted to do for quite some time now.

So, I sat down to make a list of those things and… there I was. While I kept convincing myself that I am ‘young’ and have so much time still to do things and become something, I realized more and more just how quickly all that time has gone out the window. My list is long, and my head sometimes feels like it is going to explode.

And now I remember what I had to learn many years ago – I can only tackle one thing at a time, and in doing so, I will actually accomplish goals that I set rather than staring at a long list, discouraged, wondering how I will ever ‘do it all’. Isn’t it true though, that the more we have to do, the more we think about how we can’t do it all, and then of course we do nothing. What a terrible rut to be in!

So in every attempt to stay far from the person I once was, I’m off to work on item number 1 – ace the mid term tomorrow.

Blogs on all of the others are sure to follow.