Rules of Engagement

Rule #1. Don't be engaged for too long.

For me, I don't see the point. We want to be married, and frankly, the wedding is just a means to that end. I wish I didn't have to wait so long.

In the words of Harry Burns, "... because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Ray's wisdom

Today, my mind is different than it was 2 months ago. My thoughts, emotions, feelings, and my perspective in general has changed. Such a scary word that is to so many people, and admittedly, myself as well.

How I used to think played into how I listened to music. I was sitting at a Ray LaMontagne concert tonight at the Santa Barbara Bowl with my sister and it dawned on me. All of these songs that I had listened to over a short span of years that had meant so much to me then, had changed. The honest love song of trials and triumph - back then caused my heart to long after a future with just that. Songs of bitterness and hurt made me think about past relationships and made me feel somehow victorious. Oh, but not today. Today, I listened with a new perspective. One song that I loved from long ago meant so much more to me now than it ever could have then. Ray sang "Shelter" tonight and it hasn't left my mind since. It goes a little something like this:

   "Listen when all of this around us'll fall over I tell you what we're gonna do You will shelter me my love I will shelter you" 

I believe in this life we are made to shelter each other, from the 'storms' of life. We shelter our families, our friends, but most importantly is when we promise to shelter the one that we love for as long as we have breath. We promise to protect them - shelter from attack, to provide for them - offering a physical shelter, to love and encourage them - sheltering them from the mind's negativity and insecurities.

I love this concept so much because of it's simplicity. Sometimes it seems that all of the advice in the world is so complex and involves deep thought and steps. Not so with sheltering. Do you think in the middle of fight you'll be able to work through all of the 'steps' given to you by a book or a counselor? Life doesn't always allow us the luxury of time or circumstance to put those lovely theories to work. They sound great, but they won't get you very far.

If we could remember to just shelter each other, we could get out of our own way, we'd think of our partner first, we'd probably fight less, love more, and grow a healthy meaningful relationship.

Realizing that while it's a simple concept, it actually takes practice. A lot of it if you are me. We are born individuals. We are taught to be independent and to look out for ourselves. We guard, we distance, we fight. None of which are necessarily bad out in the big scary world that's out to get us, but can be completely damaging to a life shared.

Turns out, this whole new world for me (I mean, 'us') is a time to re-train my mind and how it reacts. I can't do what I'm used to, not because it isn't allowed, but because I want so badly to be of a sheltering mindset. I want Jason to know just  how I think about him and that is only possible when I literally act on that change. Really, because what is the point in being together forever if you can't know that this person will literally be next to you as your shelter when everything is falling around you.

Come to my house one day. I want it written and posted, you'll see. As long as we live we will have room to grow and can improve how we treat and react to others - most importantly to the one closest to you.

You will shelter me my love, I will shelter you.

Marriage Advice

Yes, I know, I'm not married. Not yet anyways. I promise not to bombard anyone with nieve marriage advice babble, but I have learned one thing so far in the month I've been engaged (Oh yeah, BTW, I'm ENGAGED). 

Marry someone who you know will make you better. I am.

Two hairs past a freckle

I’m halfway obsessed with how quickly time seems to pass. I say it so often I’m starting to annoy myself. My sincerest apologies to all those who’ve had to suffer along side of me due to my continuous ramblings.  I don’t think it’s ever felt the way it does now, but I am willing to be wrong on that.

My niece turns two on Sunday, and my nephew was just born this past May. My grandmother is slowly losing her sight, and not so slowly her ability to drive, even cook. Maybe it’s that I’m surrounded by life at it’s beginning and life in the end simultaneously. I find myself celebrating and grieving for both sides. Celebrating the years of wisdom and life in my grandmother and the hope of a beautiful and blessed future full of surprises for those little kiddos. At the same time, I cannot help but mourn with my grandmother as she deals with the loss of physical ability and memory – and those beautiful little ones at the life they face, the family struggle that they have been born into. I fear we may never escape the teeter-totter of joy and sorrow in life. I’m not sure we were designed that way.

Perhaps it is more than the comparison of old and young. It seems to move beyond the physical body and tangible change.

I am not the same that I was 4 years ago, 2 years ago. I worry less and share more. I think a little less, and feel much deeper. It’s still strange that while so much can change, there are some things that seem to never. I am comforted by that. I used to worry about becoming someone entirely new, someone I’d have to re-learn all over. Myself and I, we’ve learned a lot about each other and it helps to remind yourself who are you from time to time.

Just as with my family, I celebrate and grieve with myself – the losses and gains. As a child and even the early stage of adulthood I knew myself as an independent forerunner. I wanted to find my own life, maybe run my own company. I thought I was different, and found little to no shame or insecurity in that. If only I could write down all of my silly daydreams of success and loneliness. I made it glamorous, not to worry. Every guy I dated has his pros, but for one reason or another, they never caused me to toss those dreams aside.

I was safe in my chosen life. No one had to know my faults, because of course if they did, they might freak out and leave.

Until more recently, I had accepted it all.  And now, I’ve tossed those lovely childish dreams aside for something, someone, infinitely better. Words truly cannot begin to express how my wonderful man has been a catalyst for so much change in me. Without his encouragement and commitment I am so sure I would not be where I am today. Feeling completely humbled daily by how his character and heart allows me to grow hardly describes just what kind of impact it has made. I believe more than anything that God placed him in my life because he made him to be right for me and ultimately, He’d be able to refine me in and because of our relationship.

Weeee how times change! It is still strange to watch that old part of me dwindle in the distance and honestly believe that life is actually better with someone to share it with. I find much more joy for what is to come and the grief that dwindles pales in the comparison.

Time passes, that is still true. It continues on it’s own path regardless of how mine causes me to view it. I’ll take pictures when it seems to fly, and count my blessings when it continues to move me through the dryer patches in life. 

Bad Day

(This was written on 5/12/11 but Blogger.com was down, so it's being posted now)

There are downsides to every job. I know, shocking. We prepare for them, we build up toughness and hope they pass quickly. I’ve had my fair share, but today was one of those days that made the rest look easy.

It’s just not a pretty picture in real estate these days. People are strategically defaulting on loans to get out of bad investments, others are forced out because of job loss, and others for more serious reasons. The majority of my job at the moment consists of helping people get out of these money pits that are worth less than what people owe on them. The reasons are just about as varied as the people you see wandering Orange County. I ‘short sell’ peoples houses. We negotiate with their lender to accept less than what is owed on their loan in hopes of getting them out of a tough financial situation. 95% of the time, we’re successful. The other 5%, we’re not.

Today, I had to make a call to one of those in the 5% category to tell him that his home was foreclosed on by his lender due to reasons unbeknownst to anyone involved. For some people, they’ve prepared themselves for this possibility, and yet others are in such a horrible situation that they cannot even think further ahead than putting the next foot in front of the other. Try just finalizing a divorce, losing a job, having a serious heart condition that makes it impossible to keep a job, losing your home, and not having money to find another. That’s Max. My client. He’s a worrier, and yet he trusted me to take care of this situation for him. I don’t take it lightly, that my clients trust me with their biggest investment – it is an honor. Then to fail – well, as you might imagine it is quite disheartening.

I’m glad the day is over, but a grown man crying over the phone confessing that he didn’t know what to do or where to go breaks my heart. I wish I could have done more, or tried harder, but ultimately I realize that there was nothing I did, or could have done to change the outcome. I simply wish things were different.

Mixed. Blended. Shaken. Stirred.

Happy. Sad. Excited. Hurt. Loved. Angry. Anxious. Depleted. Joyful. Sick. Helpless.

This is how I feel. Today.

Without You Things Go Hazy

I really enjoy William Fitzsimmons and I stumbled upon this tonight. Thought on Rosi Golan - Just fine, but nothing spectacular. I really liked a couple of the songs on her debut album The Drifter and The Gypsy, but the rest I can do without.

Have a listen if you'd like.

Winds of Change and Promises Kept

The winds of change seem to be blowing once again.

It’s true that my entire life in some ways is constantly in flux, but there are times when I can bet on the fact that in the near future, life won’t ever be the same as it once was in a very big and immediate way.

Best friends get married.

Employees quit.

Babies are born.

Friendships end.

Oh I see life getting quite interesting in the coming days.

I’ve spent many reflective moments going over all those things listed above and found that coincidentally, with every joy carries a bit of sorrow, and every struggle that finally ceases (however difficult) brings with it a bit of relief.

It seems the latter is most understandable as we’ve all been at the end of a difficult road and found ourselves looking behind at the treacherous cliffs we’ve scaled, and forward to grassy green hills and gentle slopes.

The part that really gets me is the sorrow amidst the joy. It steers my attention from what is good to what is evil. Frustration. Distraction. Dissatisfaction. I feel so constantly reminded of the depravity of my own soul, and I suppose the depravity of mankind itself. If any attention has been paid to the recent tragedies of the rational man and the unpredictable Mother Nature, it is clear that all we see is temporal.

I keep hearing it’s the end of the world. Is it? I guess we will never know. I work with some who swear Jesus is coming back at any moment.

Here is my thought about it all (both the mess that I trudge through daily to find my way to rolling hills, and the suspicions of the official beginning of the end): To my co-workers who say that Jesus is coming tomorrow, I’m sure families thought the very same thing on September 1, 1939 when Germany invaded Poland. Truth is, Jesus already told you when He’s coming. He said like a thief in the night, when you least expect it (2 Peter 3:10-13). And to myself: Ask to be changed. Seek out and relish in the joys, even perhaps in the sorrows for it is what we have been given.

For all the knowledge I lack, there are some things that I know. I know that God has made promises to us that He will make good on.

I will make all things new, He said. He promised.
Revelation 21:3-7

I have always loved Revelation 21. Read it.

What I Do

Real Estate. It's what I do. I can't quite remember if I've ever been specific about that here on the old blog or not, so here I go - many apologies if you've been here and done that.

It was certainly nothing I ever wanted, and in many respects, the job furthest from my field of vision. Almost 6 years later it seems to have become now all I know when it comes to business. Sure, there are theories and applications that carry over, but by in large, my head works in these terms.

I've hung my license, and attached myself to Fitzpatrick & Prince Real Estate for many reasons. I won't get deep into it, but it's something I believed, believe in. There are some really bad days, weeks even, and even moments where I seriously consider dropping it entirely. Thankfully, there are enough good things to keep me going, a large part just being the people I work with. I appreciate their minds, hearts, and encouragement so very much.

We do some sweet home videos, you should watch this one. It's the newest one (and yes, a little choppy, just go with it) on my listing in Newport Coast.


Anyone looking for an awesome Realtor?

Favorites.

Does anyone else struggle with questions that begin with "what's your favorite....?" In those moments I feel like a person with zero interest. My face goes blank and I forget everything I've ever loved. There must be something in my biology at play right then, because there seems to be no practical reason why.

Well, tonight I've been singing (humming) a favorite around the house all night and I thought I'd share.



Someone remind me that it's my favorite when my mind goes blank in those moments - thanks.

I want to, but I can't.

I so desperately desire peace in my life, and more than that, reconciliation.

I'll take the blame, I'll bear the burden, I'll even cry someone else's tears - all in an attempt to make it better. It's been a life long pattern of mine, from childhood to now. I've been THAT kid.

Well, in all aspects of life, I'm learning that I can't always make it better. More than that, sometimes trying to help can actually make things more difficult for others.

It's eye-opening, I'd say. Because the minute you relinquish such control, you find that you have no reason to form thoughts out of, and no understanding to use as a means to move forward. It seems that I found that it was easier to deal with issues when they were my fault. I could search myself, see the flaws, challenge them and move forward. It just isn't the same if you're not the one holding the cards (even if it's merely THINKING you hold the cards).

Moral of the story: I can't make it better, especially when that's what I'm after.

give me back my youth

Today, I miss being a kid for about a million reasons. I miss being naïve and worry-free. Frankly, more than anything, I miss the days where the word introspection had little to no meaning.

I miss being frustrated with people about things that I made up in my mind rather than being legitimately frustrated. Does that even make sense? It did in my head. I suppose I mean that often as children, we lose our cool for illegitimate reasons since we lack as sense of intuition and observation in interpersonal relationships, and the older we get we (hopefully) only lose our cool most often for a justified cause. I’ll stop – this still doesn’t seem to work.

If I were 5 again I’d probably throw a tantrum of sorts right about now. I guess the adult thing would be to cry, or have a beer, or just go to sleep and hope these lovely nostalgic dreams would be gone when the alarm clock goes off.

I feel overwhelmed; in I’d say about every area of life. That’s all. And that feeling of frustration feels so much like it did when I was little. It often drew me away from crowds into a small corner of my room in my favorite painted wicker rocking chair. I was safe there. It was quiet.

My white MacBook can be my new wicker rocking char. I’m safe here, and it’s quiet.

newness and anticipation

Newness:

Happy New Year, blog world. I've slacked on my contributions in 2010 and since I don't believe in resolutions, I'll just say that I'm going to try harder this year to post on a more regular basis. No promises because I'd rather not break them.

Anticipation:

I'm anticipating change this year, and not just in a potential hairstyle change, but in a larger and much more profound sort of way. I'm hoping all that is ahead will in turn change me, and make me better. I want to be better. Some of this potential change will require me to act a a catalyst and others, I am required only to show up. Considering the many unknowns, I'm still looking forward to it.

Best,

Whitney and the non-verbal part of my mind that finds itself on this virtual notebook

gamble. it's an odd sounding word.

I don’t really care what people say about change, or that no one really does. I am my own proof and maybe I can be their exception.

If my life were a poker game I wouldn’t have any chips in front of me. I’m all in. I’m certainly no professional but it seems that anyone’s heart would pound after making that kind of a decision. There is a lot at stake, and there’s a lot to lose.

Welcome to my seat at the table. I’ve sat here a good long while, and back when I was the rule and not the exception I was quite the hoarder of my chips. 75% of the hands dealt me I’d fold without placing a bet. There never seemed to be a compelling reason to ‘go for it’. My cards were never great and bluffing was never (still isn’t) my game.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that after holding on to all that I had to give, putting it all out there to lose is less than relieving. And even while I’ve had a few really great hands, 3 come to mind, it still comes with a risk.

Some mornings I wake up and would like to pull the covers over my head and try again another day. I suppose it all stems from a fear of being inadequate (ie: I’m not holding a Royal Flush). I feel like one day everyone will find out that I’m not all I’m cracked up to be. I cry, I mess up, I can’t answer all the questions, and for all of my communication/relational advice I offer, I am in need of so much more myself.

I’m a professional bearer of burdens – have I mentioned that before? I never used to put myself into the things the way I will now. I found worthiness, and it demanded my change.
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When it comes down to it, I don’t want to take back my chips, I want them where they are. While the risk is great, and the risk is everything – so too is the potential reward.

In the mean time, my only goal is to learn how to balance the burden of great risk with the hope of greater rewards. Rocket science? Sometimes it feels that way. Someone give me a formula and I’ll see what I can do.