Images of Virtue

I want to possess wisdom. In fact, I’d like my life to be marked by being wise – amongst many other things. I desire to make right decisions – consistently. I long to love others – perfectly. I long to know God – in such a way that only comes from a participation in the divine life. All virtues are summed up in the last – I believe, for I cannot truly be wise if it be not a Godly wisdom. I cannot make right choices if they be not from a Godly conscience. I cannot love wholly if my love does not pour directly out of Christ’s love for his Church and for all men.

The disheartening trend today is for men to exercise an image of virtue without knowledge of God – the creator of virtue itself. The experience of such an exercise is far from what it was designed to be. The desire for wisdom stems from a desire for self-exultation and recognition. The attempts to make right decisions exist only to skirt consequences. The longing to love others ‘perfectly’ is merely done as an act of Karma. “I will love another, so that they will love me in return.”

I cannot assume that those who continue to act in part have a longing to know more, nor can I assume that if they were to come to know more would they choose to embrace it.

I long to be wise, just, loving, and Godly. Where I am in the spectrum of things – I am certain I am incapable of judging.

This I know: the trend of empty virtue seems to prove itself not conducive to achieving the expected outcome of true virtue. Why, you ask? I would argue that most would agree that loving only in hopes for love in return is not true love, and in fact strayed very much from the definition of love itself. Also, that wisdom acquired for personal gain does not produce an outcome indicative of true wisdom. A wise decision for personal gain will come out at the expense of another. One cannot make a right decision if their understanding of rightness/truth is concerned with the consensus of the masses – for the crowds will lead them astray. One cannot become Godly if he does not take part in the life of God himself.

I wonder what those men would say if I told them that we can love without being loved in return. We can possess wisdom for a cause greater than our wretched selves. We can make decisions that are right and true whose only consequences are those that refine our souls if we allow them. What if I told them they too could, in fact, know and be known by the God who created wisdom, justice, and love?

No one can ask for more than this: To take part in the triune God – creator of heaven and earth, incarnate of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary to be crucified for the sins of the world.

"How long will I wander before I really know"

‘Future’ used to be my middle name. My life was planned out from high school until parenthood. I knew where I would go to college, where I wanted to begin my career, the flowers I wanted at my wedding, how many kids I’d have, and whom I’d marry. I remember thinking that the future seemed better than the present – it was exciting, new, and mysterious. The mere fact that it was unknown allowed me to make it exactly what I wanted. Anything that seemed to alter my plans as life progressed threw me into a whirlwind – typically accompanied by anxiety. How can I do ‘x’ if ‘y’ didn’t come through? What next? I despised those times of uncertainty.

It seemed that a self-starting attitude and a goal oriented mindset made the most sense for a kid like myself. We have a lot of dreams – and we are fairly consumed by meeting each and every one – all by ourselves.

I have found myself today in a place that I never dreamed I would be. Is that good, bad? I have decided it’s neither. It just is what is. I have grieved the loss of a handful of old and worn out dreams in the recent past – I was ready to do it, actually. It’s in those difficult moments, where composure is lost, that remind me that I am different than before. I find comfort in the sheer acknowledgment of struggle and weakness. I need to be reminded that with my futuristic, perfectionism of a self came with it an attitude that promoted a lack of attachment, emotion, and vulnerability – things which seem to be primary needs for any kind of true relationship.

I still make plans, but I don’t keep track of them in 3, sometimes 4 different places. I still have dreams, but they rest in an open hand.

I go to sleep every night uncertain of the day that is to come. The old Whitney would choose to live elsewhere. She would involve herself in the things that seemed to be reliable. It would be safe, very safe, but also very lonely.

As scary as my reality seems some mornings, it is where I live. I am grateful to be here, content to be me, thankful to be introspective, and thankful for my newfound ability to shed tears over the things that sadden me.


As far as life goes, I take the risk every day. As tough as it gets, it still proves itself to be worth it.