I have more to learn about life than I'd like to admit - am I the only one? More recently it's been about the conditions of love - if there are any. It seems I expect and except love in it's conditional form, and sit in bewilderment of love in it's unconditional form. I suppose the problem is understanding how someone (God or person) can look past my imperfections (selfishness and stubbornness amongst others) and want me the same.
It's a Chris Trapper music day at work - one of my favorites came on and it made perfect sense - better than I understood it years ago when the album came out:
'Cause all I need is to know your heart's
hung on your sleeve like mine
'Cause last glance romance
and desperate dances
left me out to dry
There will be a last time
For I'd do anything to prove my love
for you is not on stage
The dream where I live
will float where you live
and kiss you where you lay.
I'm not sure how well it goes with the previous statement, but to me, it makes perfect sense in my big mess of thoughts swirling in my head. It's about shared risk. It's about admitting the flaws and talking about those things you must overcome.
I threw myself a little pity party last night and realized this morning that even my mindset of me being the flawed one, me being the dejected one, is selfish. This idea of 'oh look at me and how imperfect I am, feel bad, comfort me,' nonsense can so easily become the step-sister of egotism. It seems we are at war with self, constantly. I will fail, and will fail again. And one day I'll get better at it.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
The 2nd time around I'll know better.
So says the poor bloke who stepped into my office to wreak havoc on my peace of mind this afternoon. The man is 44 years old and really believes he has life figured out. Today, he decided he would pass on some of his acquired 'wisdom' to me. This is what I got out of it:
1. You will not marry the one you are with when you are 23 years old.
2. IF you happen to beat the odds and get hitched, don't worry, it won't last.
3. The longer you are alone the better you'll be with someone.
4. We should always take the easy route. Why run 70 miles when you could run 40?
5. Something magical happens when you are 35 - you wake up knowing exactly what you want.
6. Being enamored with someone is a bad thing.
7. If you are a woman under the age of 30, you must be unrealistic, obsessive, and blinded by idealism.
I could go on... and on... but I won't. Clearly, you can see that the man is a genius. He should write a book, or 10 of them, on how to be the ultimate douche bag by preying on young adults to avoid your own insecurities.
I will admit this is a bit of a harsh post, but after being patronized by such a person, I fear I lack the self control to not be affected by it. First, it was frustration and defeat. Then, confident and thankful. Lastly, empathetic and sad. This man was tearing down my ideals, and my belief that I can actually veer away from statistics and be the exception and not the rule. When I get married one day, it will be forever. The plan is to every day be a woman that is deserving of the man who promises himself to me, to respect him, to love and support him, and continue to grow with and invest in that relationship as long as I walk this earth. That is my plan, and there is no plan B, no backup - nothing. If I get married tomorrow, or in 10 years, that plan will not change.
All of that was going through my mind and as soon as he left the office I felt horrible for him. I'm sure he didn't plan to get divorced, and I'm sure that everything in his life is exactly how he would have wanted it because admitting that it wasn't would be far more difficult, far more vulnerable. I am sad that he thinks what he lived has to be the norm and that it can't ever be improved on. I'm sad that he feels like a marriage of 40 years is greater than one that is 70 years because it is easier.
Him and his new wife have 4 kids combined. I sincerely hope that one of them grows up to show him another way, a better one.
1. You will not marry the one you are with when you are 23 years old.
2. IF you happen to beat the odds and get hitched, don't worry, it won't last.
3. The longer you are alone the better you'll be with someone.
4. We should always take the easy route. Why run 70 miles when you could run 40?
5. Something magical happens when you are 35 - you wake up knowing exactly what you want.
6. Being enamored with someone is a bad thing.
7. If you are a woman under the age of 30, you must be unrealistic, obsessive, and blinded by idealism.
I could go on... and on... but I won't. Clearly, you can see that the man is a genius. He should write a book, or 10 of them, on how to be the ultimate douche bag by preying on young adults to avoid your own insecurities.
I will admit this is a bit of a harsh post, but after being patronized by such a person, I fear I lack the self control to not be affected by it. First, it was frustration and defeat. Then, confident and thankful. Lastly, empathetic and sad. This man was tearing down my ideals, and my belief that I can actually veer away from statistics and be the exception and not the rule. When I get married one day, it will be forever. The plan is to every day be a woman that is deserving of the man who promises himself to me, to respect him, to love and support him, and continue to grow with and invest in that relationship as long as I walk this earth. That is my plan, and there is no plan B, no backup - nothing. If I get married tomorrow, or in 10 years, that plan will not change.
All of that was going through my mind and as soon as he left the office I felt horrible for him. I'm sure he didn't plan to get divorced, and I'm sure that everything in his life is exactly how he would have wanted it because admitting that it wasn't would be far more difficult, far more vulnerable. I am sad that he thinks what he lived has to be the norm and that it can't ever be improved on. I'm sad that he feels like a marriage of 40 years is greater than one that is 70 years because it is easier.
Him and his new wife have 4 kids combined. I sincerely hope that one of them grows up to show him another way, a better one.
Autumn.
I felt the need to light a vanilla scented candle and put on a sweatshirt before I sat down tonight - I just felt right. If there was something I could do to make the temperature drop and rain begin to fall, I'd do it. Fall has always been my favorite season and the good thing about being in Southern California is that it seems to last until Spring, since Winter rarely shows up to take it's place in line.
I can't really remember when it started, but I'd venture to say that it is more than just the weather that I love, it's the season, the parties, the holidays, and sharing all of those things with the people who mean the most to me.
Naturally flowing from that, comes the nostalgia of years past. I don't find myself getting emotional much anymore about how this season has changed in my life over the last 3 years. I'm not sure if the third time's a charm gig works for family life situations, but perhaps I'm living proof. Also, I'm not sure what my role is in the situation anymore. What kind of power do I have?
Today at my office an affiliated business partner came in to show his face and to see what he could do for our team. He isn't typically someone I'm dying to speak with; he's bad listener, he brags, and most of the time, makes me feel less of a person and to be frank, uncool. I never thought that feeling from grade school would come back in adulthood - I seem to be very wrong.
We arrived upon the subject of marriage, but mostly divorce. I'll speak more of this in a separate post, but the correlation was too good not to say it now. My question still bounces around my head. At what point can/should one call it quits? On your Spouse (to be discussed later), on your family, on your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc? 3 years have come and gone, and I am still not really sure how I got here.
It's been something I've thought about in the last few weeks more than I have in a long time. That's all, and Autumn seems to have a way of re-igniting such activity.
I can't really remember when it started, but I'd venture to say that it is more than just the weather that I love, it's the season, the parties, the holidays, and sharing all of those things with the people who mean the most to me.
Naturally flowing from that, comes the nostalgia of years past. I don't find myself getting emotional much anymore about how this season has changed in my life over the last 3 years. I'm not sure if the third time's a charm gig works for family life situations, but perhaps I'm living proof. Also, I'm not sure what my role is in the situation anymore. What kind of power do I have?
Today at my office an affiliated business partner came in to show his face and to see what he could do for our team. He isn't typically someone I'm dying to speak with; he's bad listener, he brags, and most of the time, makes me feel less of a person and to be frank, uncool. I never thought that feeling from grade school would come back in adulthood - I seem to be very wrong.
We arrived upon the subject of marriage, but mostly divorce. I'll speak more of this in a separate post, but the correlation was too good not to say it now. My question still bounces around my head. At what point can/should one call it quits? On your Spouse (to be discussed later), on your family, on your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc? 3 years have come and gone, and I am still not really sure how I got here.
It's been something I've thought about in the last few weeks more than I have in a long time. That's all, and Autumn seems to have a way of re-igniting such activity.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Feelings: a love/hate relationship.
So often it seems that my life is spent attempting to understand what I feel about it. It's been a battle. A battle to use words that feel, words that explain, and words that bring transparency to my heart and mind. The trouble in it for me is that in actuality, I feel very deeply, and the inability to then identify, understand, and explain becomes the problem. Is there anyone out there who has an easy answer for me? I guess I don't really want an easy answer, I'd just like to be a professional describer of feelings in a way that allows people to know me without wanting to run in the other direction whilst I fumble over incorrect adjectives and descriptors. Eek.. that wasn't what I meant, again.
I bring this up again because I decided how I felt today. It only took me 2 days - that's progress, folks.
Detached. That is what I decided while I ate my frozen yogurt after a mediocre lunch that took up too much room in my stomach. For some reason it seems the world is moving to and fro, and I remain motionless. Something is not connected.
I flew home from Boston on Tuesday evening after a short dream of a week visiting historical sites, savoring delicious meals, trying new things, and spending time with and learning from one of the most amazing people I know. I'm fairly certain it's the culprit as the cause of my feeling the way that I do. For me, I've found I feel the most alive, the most myself when I am experiencing something new (or possibly something old in a new way). Maybe I'm addicted to growth, to knowledge, to broadening views or maybe the OC just doesn't cut it for me. It seems I've left a part of my spirit in Boston, because I feel only half of me has returned home. (Insert pity party here).
I suppose that all I am left with is a dilemma. I feel the social and personal responsibility to rise above the feelings I experience to complete tasks and move forward on commitments to my family, friends, and clients - I just wish feeling like doing those things came with it. Someone wise I know told me once to do what I need to do when I need to do it, and the feelings will follow. I think I will go with that for now, since I lack an epiphany of my own.
I bring this up again because I decided how I felt today. It only took me 2 days - that's progress, folks.
Detached. That is what I decided while I ate my frozen yogurt after a mediocre lunch that took up too much room in my stomach. For some reason it seems the world is moving to and fro, and I remain motionless. Something is not connected.
I flew home from Boston on Tuesday evening after a short dream of a week visiting historical sites, savoring delicious meals, trying new things, and spending time with and learning from one of the most amazing people I know. I'm fairly certain it's the culprit as the cause of my feeling the way that I do. For me, I've found I feel the most alive, the most myself when I am experiencing something new (or possibly something old in a new way). Maybe I'm addicted to growth, to knowledge, to broadening views or maybe the OC just doesn't cut it for me. It seems I've left a part of my spirit in Boston, because I feel only half of me has returned home. (Insert pity party here).
I suppose that all I am left with is a dilemma. I feel the social and personal responsibility to rise above the feelings I experience to complete tasks and move forward on commitments to my family, friends, and clients - I just wish feeling like doing those things came with it. Someone wise I know told me once to do what I need to do when I need to do it, and the feelings will follow. I think I will go with that for now, since I lack an epiphany of my own.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)