Thoughts about the Termites of the Soul

I wonder how much of myself I will still be in 10 years – in 20 years. While there are numerous things I long to be rid of in my life – I pray that I would never loose the sense of awareness that I have today. Perhaps it is because my mind is in a constant state of being molded and stretched – in hopes of its total transformation. Perhaps it is because I feel like I am in no ‘state’ of life at all – at least not like others seem to be (married, a mother, a child), and am therefore capable of viewing life through a totally different lens – if any lens at all. If it is naiveté - I would hope that even that would continue. I would rather be naïve enough to think that people can change then too stubborn to make the effort to do so.

While I find myself at the beginning of so many journey’s – recognizing every fault, shortcoming and struggle that I bring to the table – I hope that in 10 years I will still face those faults, shortcomings and struggles with a pliable mind and heart – and Lord willing, having realized I had made it a few more miles down the road.

Fr. Josiah at St. Andrews in Riverside, CA mentioned a man who said that while so many pray to ‘see God,’ he prayed that he would ‘see his sins’. Weeks later I cannot remove this idea from my head. Talk about transforming your life. I believe that the reason why so many are stuck in their pursuit of everything earthly is that they are unaware of their sins – and the very seriousness of the power to destroy that they carry. This is, of course, why we seem to find so many people make poor lifestyle choices and then claim to feel empty, in a state of despair or even worse still – purposeless or hopeless. It is imperative that we see sin in the right light – in other words: that we would see and be aware of every inch of it. How could we go about removing it from our lives if we never sought to see it in the first place?

In real estate there is always a termite inspection for homes, after which work must be completed in order to close escrow. I find it to be a perfect analogy. We can see the damage of the termites – sometimes it is even visible on the exterior of the structure. However, we rarely see the termites themselves without a hunt. We must go underneath the house, lift planks of wood etc. Then we find the problem that can be corrected.

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The same is true for our sin.

All that just to say that the idea of posing God with the request of revealing sin, revealing my sin, changes things. Most importantly, it bears with it humility. We can finally have an accurate view of ourselves. We will see our fallen state, our sinful nature in the light of the Cross of Christ. Change follows. I know that personally I am more apt to work on those things that I am familiar with as opposed to those that are foreign concepts. Uncertainty regarding sin fades, and the work begins. There was definitely a reason that there was sent to us a Helper [Holy Spirit] at Pentecost – in case there was any doubt.

“O heavenly King, O Comforter, the Spirit of truth, who art in all places and fillest all things; Treasury of good things and Giver of life: Come and dwell in us and cleanse us from every stain, and save our souls, O gracious Lord.”

May we never forget such things, and may we never grow too old to have both pliable minds and hearts.

"My Glory, and the One who lifts my head."

“But You, O LORD are a shield about me, my glory, the lifter of my head” Psalm 3:3

I feel saddened that I was at a loss for words on a day when my mouth should be overflowing with gratitude and thanks.

Thanksgiving is truly one of my favorite Holidays. The reasoning behind this favoritism shown is that it is, in my opinion, a holiday that hasn’t been wrought with commercialism and stripped of meaning. Yes, we purchase food, pumpkins and perhaps other decorative items, but it has more to do with relationships and people than anything else – and I would argue that this purpose has largely maintained itself over the years.

I watched some home movies tonight – Christmas Eve - leaving milk and cookies for Santa, and running down the stairs on Easter morning not being able to stand another minute of wondering what the Easter Bunny had placed in my special pink wicker basket that I loved so much. There was always an empty loaf of bread where we had placed Jesus the Friday previous and a sign saying “He Is Risen.” I cringe at my silence when my young mother of four asked me to explain why the ‘tomb’ was empty. I know that I knew the answer, and yet my eyes were fixed on my pink basket.

As much as I remember my pink wicker basket, the notes to Santa, and the delightful presents that awaited me – I also remember waking up on Thanksgiving morning and being fully aware that Thanksgiving was for giving thanks to our gracious and forgiving Heavenly Father and for being with family. Even as a child, the lack of gifts didn’t take away any of the joy and wonder of Thanksgiving. I always loved it so and still do today.

This year, my life is different, and yet while it gives no reason to withhold the acknowledgment of blessing – I allowed the circumstances of my life to kill the significance of such a wonderful holiday.

‘Black Friday’ arrived and I left the house only once. The majority of the day was spent with my head in my books, staring at the ceiling, working through current struggles and being so humbled it almost gave new meaning to the word.

All I could think was “Who am I?” Who am I Lord that I should think I deserve a different life? An easier one? Who am I to be angry? Bitter? And even worse so instead of being Thankful on Thanksgiving, thoughts crossed my mind as to how my life really couldn’t get much worse.
I was lying on my back on a wonderful bed in a newly redecorated room in a beautiful home and I thought of Job. I thought of how while Job was confused and questioned all that was happening around him on he never became unbelieving. He was a man of integrity, one who sought wisdom and a man who kept on living without all of the answers, and in circumstances that to so many of us would seem hopeless – he kept on living, and he continued to thank God for who He is and for the blessings he had been given.

Job had everything, and it was all taken away. His life remained one that stood solely for the recognition of the greatness of our God. Oh Lord may my life bear witness of your Greatness, Love, Righteousness and Holiness.

In my case, in so many words, I lost nothing that Job had lost, and yet I lacked the strength to keep my eyes straight ahead on my ultimate goal – eternity in the presence of God. Lord, have mercy.

Thank God for Job. Thank God for the ability to gain wisdom and perspective so that we might refrain from committing the same sin over and over again. Thank God for giving us the Holy Spirit as our counselor and protector.
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At the end of the day I began singing Psalm 3. In the words of King David - a man who had done great wrongs in his lifetime - sang of God being the lifter of his head. I found peace in the imagery of his words whilst he ran in fear from his son who sought to kill and usurp power. Our God is our protector, our shield. He is our glory and a loving Father who lifts the heads of sinners.

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me, a sinner.