"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."

I have been thinking about my friends lately - mostly about how grateful I am for the role they play in my life. Without them, I wouldn't be known.

They hug me even when I don't want to be hugged.
They make me whole-wheat cookies when I've had a long day.
They tell me that they love me.
They still tell me that they love me when I show my true colors.
They disagree with me.
They support me.
They make me laugh.
They make me feel included.
They cry with me.
When they see me cry they think no less of me.
They challenge me.

They pray for me.

After studying interpersonal relational communication for 16 weeks - I have a small grasp on relationships and really, how difficult it is to be a part of a good one. I've learned that there are a lot of people who have no idea what it is to be 'known' by someone. It hurts my heart to even begin to imagine that kind of loneliness.

I am known by God, and my friends are the tangible reminder of what it is to be known and loved - unconditionally.

I pray that I can in some way be to them all that they are to me.

I was watching this video... and it made me smile.

The subtle 'oh my gosh' from Ashley is classic - gets me every time.

To fight or not to fight

I feel alone on the battlefield. If I look behind me I can see that my home trench is so far away there can be no turning back. When I look ahead I see my opposition, ready and waiting. Am I a warrior? I stand with a combination of old and new armor – some areas are thick and others thin. At each connection my flesh shows bare. I have no shield; my defense technique often proves itself lacking polish and precision. I feel paralyzed. I have never been to war.

There was a time, long before now, that I considered myself a fighter, tough, able to remain composed in the face of uncertainty. Today, today I am a little girl who recognizes her small stature and her lack of confidence. It is the same little girl who questions what one should fight for. Principle or relation?

I wonder if there might be a chance for some kind of a truce, before the battle even begins. I’ve watched other wars begin, and end. I’ve seen their devastating effects and wonder how such an outcome could ever be avoided?

Researchers have yet to identify the single event that marked the beginning of the unrest. I myself have pondered at length the many stories in history that have played a part in the dilemma that remains today.

Our mouths are our weapons. Our rhetoric, our ammunition. We protect ourselves with armor made of knowledge, conviction, and truth. Our shields ward off emotional biases and faulty interpretations.

I’m alone. What exactly am I fighting for, or is it fighting against? I am sure of only one thing: I am opposed, if even ever so slightly, from every side. I have found myself straying from every camp. I am free of associations and could possibly only be claimed by the ground occupied by my feet at this very moment.

While I haven’t been trained for such an experience, I have decided that I can’t spend the rest of my life making exceptions or giving excuses. No man’s land is no place to call home and it is certainly not a place to find peace and solace.

So I’ll go forward, knowing full well that I will be pierced where my skin shows bare and that going to war means risking life.

Death

Death has troubled me in the past couple of days in different way than before. I've felt indescribably angry at those whose thoughtless wrongdoings have handed death to another. I think, "Why couldn't they have waited just three seconds longer, why couldn't they have just not gotten in the car just this once?" I don't know what to do with such death. I cannot find a reason, and I love reason.

The moment my anger subsides, my knees go weak and all I can think is that I am that thoughtless drunk driver. With every sin, with every unwholesome word, thought, or deed, I crucify Christ again, and again. Daily, my sin hands death to another, death to my Savior.

As much as I struggle with death, ultimately, it is the only thing through which I find my source of life. Christ's death has given me life (Isaiah 53) and in turn I must die to myself, daily, hourly, always - to participate in the life and Salvation He brings.

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.



Psalm 51

51:1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Whilst I study for my mid-term tomorrow...

Anytime someone inquires about my field of study in school I chuckle inside. I wonder if I tell them they will instantly know so much about me. I can’t even count the number of people who have said that whatever it is you study in school is what you personally need the most help with.

I study communication in relationships – this semester more specifically in intimate interpersonal relationships, and philosophy. (Yikes! Don’t tell anyone!!) I will tell you right now that I am no professional. More than not being a professional, with all of my recent-found knowledge on the subject, it makes relationships too easy to whittle down to a science. With this ability I can put off grief, sadness, joy, and challenges. The thought itself makes my heart sink.

I feel more humbled in recent weeks not only working through challenges, but in letting go of my tendency to put off ‘feelings’ in general. I may ‘know’ a handful of things, and I just might have some good conflict resolution advice to give, but I need to be constantly reminded that as much as we can measure relationships, as much as we can research and solve issues – every relationship is made of real people, real risks, real feelings, and real love.

Sometimes I think of education like a ladder, the more we know, the higher we get. In my field, the problem is that somewhere along the way you realize that your feet aren’t on the same ground as everyone else. I always think, boy, what a great thing to study – communication in relationships – I’d like to think it will make me a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, and Christian. While it all sounds wonderful, the challenge, I believe is to stay real through it all. I don’t want to look back twenty years from now thinking that I had only become an unfeeling robot living the textbook to relational communication.

Life’s a journey, isn’t it? I appreciate the mornings when the sun is shinning far more than I used to. That’s progress for me. ☺