Rarely do I ever feel I complete a task. It seems that everything in my life is 'in progress'- myself included.
I get to work in the morning and spend 8 hours 'making progress' on files, and in my 5th month of the job, I still haven't seen any of those files I began upon my arrival to it's completion. Talk about patience, frustration, perseverance...
All of this progress seems to be a constant theme in every aspect of my life for the time being. Call me a waiter. No, not the kind that comes to your table and takes your order and brings you drinks, no, I mean someone who waits.
I wait for the banks to respond, for clients to call back, and for the I5 to clear up.
Reality is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel of the current real estate market, and these time-consuming (and some times frustrating) deals will end eventually. In the mean time, I am learning what it means to work hard and remember that I am providing a service to (most of the time) wonderful clients that are a joy to work with. It's worth it when you know that you are helping people.
Life, well, that is a different story. A light at the end of the tunnel? I think not. I am convinced that this process of becoming the 'me' that I was made to become is one that, in the duration of time I spend on this earth, never ends. I strive to be teachable, moldable, and to be open to new ideas - I got what I was after, apparently, and it seems to be much more work than I expected.
I'm ok with struggle and change, just so long as I'm a better version of myself when I come out on the other side.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I'm a list maker - sometimes to my own detriment.
I think I’m pretty predictable. Sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s bad.
Today, like I get from time to time, I am feeling pretty down on myself. It usually begins with feeling convicted about some issue in life, in a relationship, etc. and one thing leads to another and I end up feeling like a pretty horrible person who has done little with my life. Extreme? Perhaps.
It’s days like today that I remember what I was like constantly for so long. Always trying to be the best at everything, saying ‘no’ to nothing, and striving to be perfect above all else. I wish I could say that in my strivings it was to bring God glory, and to help others, except, most of the time it wasn’t. I did it so that I could live up to the expectations of others. Every night I went to sleep with a burden resting on my shoulders that could have weighed down the world.
Last Thursday my boyfriend left for a 6-week back packing trip through Europe. 11 Countries, 42 days. He’s with his best friend on a trip that they had been thinking about and planning for a year. I figured why not use his 6-week trip to make some deadlines for myself. I thought it would perhaps make time pass quickly and allow me to make headway on things I’ve wanted to do for quite some time now.
So, I sat down to make a list of those things and… there I was. While I kept convincing myself that I am ‘young’ and have so much time still to do things and become something, I realized more and more just how quickly all that time has gone out the window. My list is long, and my head sometimes feels like it is going to explode.
And now I remember what I had to learn many years ago – I can only tackle one thing at a time, and in doing so, I will actually accomplish goals that I set rather than staring at a long list, discouraged, wondering how I will ever ‘do it all’. Isn’t it true though, that the more we have to do, the more we think about how we can’t do it all, and then of course we do nothing. What a terrible rut to be in!
So in every attempt to stay far from the person I once was, I’m off to work on item number 1 – ace the mid term tomorrow.
Blogs on all of the others are sure to follow.
Today, like I get from time to time, I am feeling pretty down on myself. It usually begins with feeling convicted about some issue in life, in a relationship, etc. and one thing leads to another and I end up feeling like a pretty horrible person who has done little with my life. Extreme? Perhaps.
It’s days like today that I remember what I was like constantly for so long. Always trying to be the best at everything, saying ‘no’ to nothing, and striving to be perfect above all else. I wish I could say that in my strivings it was to bring God glory, and to help others, except, most of the time it wasn’t. I did it so that I could live up to the expectations of others. Every night I went to sleep with a burden resting on my shoulders that could have weighed down the world.
Last Thursday my boyfriend left for a 6-week back packing trip through Europe. 11 Countries, 42 days. He’s with his best friend on a trip that they had been thinking about and planning for a year. I figured why not use his 6-week trip to make some deadlines for myself. I thought it would perhaps make time pass quickly and allow me to make headway on things I’ve wanted to do for quite some time now.
So, I sat down to make a list of those things and… there I was. While I kept convincing myself that I am ‘young’ and have so much time still to do things and become something, I realized more and more just how quickly all that time has gone out the window. My list is long, and my head sometimes feels like it is going to explode.
And now I remember what I had to learn many years ago – I can only tackle one thing at a time, and in doing so, I will actually accomplish goals that I set rather than staring at a long list, discouraged, wondering how I will ever ‘do it all’. Isn’t it true though, that the more we have to do, the more we think about how we can’t do it all, and then of course we do nothing. What a terrible rut to be in!
So in every attempt to stay far from the person I once was, I’m off to work on item number 1 – ace the mid term tomorrow.
Blogs on all of the others are sure to follow.
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