Kiss you where you lay - Chris Trapper on my life.

I have more to learn about life than I'd like to admit - am I the only one? More recently it's been about the conditions of love - if there are any. It seems I expect and except love in it's conditional form, and sit in bewilderment of love in it's unconditional form. I suppose the problem is understanding how someone (God or person) can look past my imperfections (selfishness and stubbornness amongst others) and want me the same.

It's a Chris Trapper music day at work - one of my favorites came on and it made perfect sense - better than I understood it years ago when the album came out:

'Cause all I need is to know your heart's
hung on your sleeve like mine
'Cause last glance romance
and desperate dances
left me out to dry
There will be a last time

For I'd do anything to prove my love
for you is not on stage
The dream where I live
will float where you live
and kiss you where you lay.

I'm not sure how well it goes with the previous statement, but to me, it makes perfect sense in my big mess of thoughts swirling in my head. It's about shared risk. It's about admitting the flaws and talking about those things you must overcome.

I threw myself a little pity party last night and realized this morning that even my mindset of me being the flawed one, me being the dejected one, is selfish. This idea of 'oh look at me and how imperfect I am, feel bad, comfort me,' nonsense can so easily become the step-sister of egotism. It seems we are at war with self, constantly. I will fail, and will fail again. And one day I'll get better at it.

"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."

I have been thinking about my friends lately - mostly about how grateful I am for the role they play in my life. Without them, I wouldn't be known.

They hug me even when I don't want to be hugged.
They make me whole-wheat cookies when I've had a long day.
They tell me that they love me.
They still tell me that they love me when I show my true colors.
They disagree with me.
They support me.
They make me laugh.
They make me feel included.
They cry with me.
When they see me cry they think no less of me.
They challenge me.

They pray for me.

After studying interpersonal relational communication for 16 weeks - I have a small grasp on relationships and really, how difficult it is to be a part of a good one. I've learned that there are a lot of people who have no idea what it is to be 'known' by someone. It hurts my heart to even begin to imagine that kind of loneliness.

I am known by God, and my friends are the tangible reminder of what it is to be known and loved - unconditionally.

I pray that I can in some way be to them all that they are to me.

I was watching this video... and it made me smile.

The subtle 'oh my gosh' from Ashley is classic - gets me every time.

Images of Virtue

I want to possess wisdom. In fact, I’d like my life to be marked by being wise – amongst many other things. I desire to make right decisions – consistently. I long to love others – perfectly. I long to know God – in such a way that only comes from a participation in the divine life. All virtues are summed up in the last – I believe, for I cannot truly be wise if it be not a Godly wisdom. I cannot make right choices if they be not from a Godly conscience. I cannot love wholly if my love does not pour directly out of Christ’s love for his Church and for all men.

The disheartening trend today is for men to exercise an image of virtue without knowledge of God – the creator of virtue itself. The experience of such an exercise is far from what it was designed to be. The desire for wisdom stems from a desire for self-exultation and recognition. The attempts to make right decisions exist only to skirt consequences. The longing to love others ‘perfectly’ is merely done as an act of Karma. “I will love another, so that they will love me in return.”

I cannot assume that those who continue to act in part have a longing to know more, nor can I assume that if they were to come to know more would they choose to embrace it.

I long to be wise, just, loving, and Godly. Where I am in the spectrum of things – I am certain I am incapable of judging.

This I know: the trend of empty virtue seems to prove itself not conducive to achieving the expected outcome of true virtue. Why, you ask? I would argue that most would agree that loving only in hopes for love in return is not true love, and in fact strayed very much from the definition of love itself. Also, that wisdom acquired for personal gain does not produce an outcome indicative of true wisdom. A wise decision for personal gain will come out at the expense of another. One cannot make a right decision if their understanding of rightness/truth is concerned with the consensus of the masses – for the crowds will lead them astray. One cannot become Godly if he does not take part in the life of God himself.

I wonder what those men would say if I told them that we can love without being loved in return. We can possess wisdom for a cause greater than our wretched selves. We can make decisions that are right and true whose only consequences are those that refine our souls if we allow them. What if I told them they too could, in fact, know and be known by the God who created wisdom, justice, and love?

No one can ask for more than this: To take part in the triune God – creator of heaven and earth, incarnate of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary to be crucified for the sins of the world.

A little something about me

It's my week to answer a handful of questions about myself for my High School Staff Spotlight. 

It was a fun thing to think about, and so I thought I would share it with you. 

What would be something strange about you that people might be surprised by?

 When I was in High School I washed my feet on average 7 times a day. Yes, I even left class in the middle of a period to keep ‘em clean. I have since relaxed a bit and only wash them about 3 times a day.

If you could create a restaurant what would it be called and what style of food would it serve?

Name: Piazza Navona

Type: Italian Bistro

There would be equal amounts of indoor and outdoor patio seating. I would serve only traditional Italian food. Lunch and dinner served throughout the week and we’d be open for breakfast (cappuccinos, espresso, and pastries) on Saturday and Sunday. Only those who have a sincere love for a European dining experience would be fans of my restaurant – impersonal waiters, relaxed/classy dinning, and fabulous traditional foods. You won’t find BBQ chicken pizza or still water on my menu. I make one promise: You will feel like you visited and experienced La Citta Eterna before you pay the tab.

Tell us about a favorite childhood memory.

I spend most of my childhood in a two–story home in Chino Hills. Every Christmas we would help my dad put up Christmas lights and when we had finished we would watch the sun go down while we sat on the highest part of the roof. My mom would make hot chocolate and the four of us kids would sit in awe of how little we were and how big the world was.

What has been something your core group girls have taught you over the years?

I will admit that I could spend pages writing about all that I have learned from them.  I see how they love and welcome those around them, how they encourage one another, but something that really sticks out is how they think about God and His word.  It isn’t in a certain way that they think about Him, but that He is what they think about – I am convinced of this weekly as they come with more and more questions – going deeper than I am driven to go most of the time. They remind me how important it is that our thought life is to be consumed with Divine things. 

Thank you, Sir Isaac Newton

I think it is good to go back and read things that we've (I've) written in the past. And while the following was in the recent past, and even seems to me a little strange and confusing, it still stirs up new thoughts. Dear reader: pardon it's occasional gaps in reasoning. Forgive me and my mind of it's greater ability to intake information rather than more effectively sorting what is already there.

__________

I was sitting at a stoplight returning from my short daily adventure that most of us call a lunch break. To my left was a marquee with a long list of 12 films enjoying their few weeks in the spotlight before something with better graphics, or an even more dramatic love story comes along to take it’s place. To my right there was a family of four enjoying the afternoon California sun and the rare chilly breeze that comes once in a blue moon here in Orange County. The young girl caught my eye. She walked further ahead than her father, mother, and brother and couldn’t have been older than 7. She was wearing a cream colored long-sleeved t-shirt underneath a furry vest and tights. Over the tights was a floral print skirt that seemed to enjoy the wind more than the brown curls that framed her young face.

I must have sat through two lights because it seemed as if I had all the time in the world to consider this little girl. She seemed to be mesmerized by the way that her skirt bounced off of her knee with every step she took. She began to exaggerate each step just to see what the skirt would do. I imagine her posing a question that you’d find in a modern children’s book that attempts to teach a child the basics of physics when a sweet young girl, such as my new little friend, asks why her skirt seems to react to the force of her little knee.

Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of motion explains that with every action, an equal and opposite reaction is sure to follow. Understanding this principle we can assume that without action, there can be no reaction for the initial action must always occur first.

It seems strange to me, being the non-science/mathematical brain that I am, that I would use a chief principle of physics and groundbreaking science in the 17th century to describe the state of life that I am in currently, and more likely this life as a whole. Thank you Isaac Newton for pointing out to us that with every action, a reaction is inevitable.

I went for a drive last night. It seemed much darker than normal in the ever-busy and crowded area where I live; there wasn’t a single set of headlights in my rear view mirror and all I saw was the night sky up ahead. After arriving at my destination I put my car in park, zipped up my coat and headed out in the misty darkness. As I stood looking out over the thousands and thousands of little lights off in the distance, I could not help but consider my small stature atop this large hill.

I considered the long harbored issues and bitter reactions within families. I heard the complaints of a young woman who resigned herself to mediocrity and unhappiness. I saw the tears rolling off of a mature cheek of one experiencing the grief of losing a loved one after the line was drawn. I felt my own fear of inadequacy – in a career, in my studies, and most evidently in relationships. There is something about having a mind full of thoughts that seems to send the reactions of my senses in the other direction. I must have been cold, and yet I felt nothing. I thought of the sonogram that I wake up to every morning that tells in me in 6 ½ months I will be an Aunt and another life will breathe it’s first breath.

Newton meant what he said about every action is followed by a reaction. I’ve seen it – in the good as much as in the bad. Perhaps it is the previously explained experiences and many others that have taught me to hold my tongue in most situations. I think the real issue is when to say what must be said, understanding that the reactions may not always grant me the result that I had hoped for.

As with most of my trains of thought, I end up back where it began - to that little girl on the sidewalk testing the reaction of her little skirt. Oh I wished that was the only thing that consumed my momentary thought! From that childish wish my mind could only resonate with one thing: I must hold fast to the promise that all created things will sing praises unto the God and Creator of all. I will trust that my prayers are heard and answered by the One who holds every inch of my small life in the palm of His hand. He has my best interest at heart and can ultimately do no more than He already has - given the life of His son so that the flawless Love of God would bridge the great chasm between man and Himself. My realization of the imperfect love in relationships, and my own inadequacies only point to a longing for eternity in the presence of God, and the hope of the continued transformation until the day that He returns.

Thoughts about the Termites of the Soul

I wonder how much of myself I will still be in 10 years – in 20 years. While there are numerous things I long to be rid of in my life – I pray that I would never loose the sense of awareness that I have today. Perhaps it is because my mind is in a constant state of being molded and stretched – in hopes of its total transformation. Perhaps it is because I feel like I am in no ‘state’ of life at all – at least not like others seem to be (married, a mother, a child), and am therefore capable of viewing life through a totally different lens – if any lens at all. If it is naiveté - I would hope that even that would continue. I would rather be naïve enough to think that people can change then too stubborn to make the effort to do so.

While I find myself at the beginning of so many journey’s – recognizing every fault, shortcoming and struggle that I bring to the table – I hope that in 10 years I will still face those faults, shortcomings and struggles with a pliable mind and heart – and Lord willing, having realized I had made it a few more miles down the road.

Fr. Josiah at St. Andrews in Riverside, CA mentioned a man who said that while so many pray to ‘see God,’ he prayed that he would ‘see his sins’. Weeks later I cannot remove this idea from my head. Talk about transforming your life. I believe that the reason why so many are stuck in their pursuit of everything earthly is that they are unaware of their sins – and the very seriousness of the power to destroy that they carry. This is, of course, why we seem to find so many people make poor lifestyle choices and then claim to feel empty, in a state of despair or even worse still – purposeless or hopeless. It is imperative that we see sin in the right light – in other words: that we would see and be aware of every inch of it. How could we go about removing it from our lives if we never sought to see it in the first place?

In real estate there is always a termite inspection for homes, after which work must be completed in order to close escrow. I find it to be a perfect analogy. We can see the damage of the termites – sometimes it is even visible on the exterior of the structure. However, we rarely see the termites themselves without a hunt. We must go underneath the house, lift planks of wood etc. Then we find the problem that can be corrected.

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The same is true for our sin.

All that just to say that the idea of posing God with the request of revealing sin, revealing my sin, changes things. Most importantly, it bears with it humility. We can finally have an accurate view of ourselves. We will see our fallen state, our sinful nature in the light of the Cross of Christ. Change follows. I know that personally I am more apt to work on those things that I am familiar with as opposed to those that are foreign concepts. Uncertainty regarding sin fades, and the work begins. There was definitely a reason that there was sent to us a Helper [Holy Spirit] at Pentecost – in case there was any doubt.

“O heavenly King, O Comforter, the Spirit of truth, who art in all places and fillest all things; Treasury of good things and Giver of life: Come and dwell in us and cleanse us from every stain, and save our souls, O gracious Lord.”

May we never forget such things, and may we never grow too old to have both pliable minds and hearts.

"My Glory, and the One who lifts my head."

“But You, O LORD are a shield about me, my glory, the lifter of my head” Psalm 3:3

I feel saddened that I was at a loss for words on a day when my mouth should be overflowing with gratitude and thanks.

Thanksgiving is truly one of my favorite Holidays. The reasoning behind this favoritism shown is that it is, in my opinion, a holiday that hasn’t been wrought with commercialism and stripped of meaning. Yes, we purchase food, pumpkins and perhaps other decorative items, but it has more to do with relationships and people than anything else – and I would argue that this purpose has largely maintained itself over the years.

I watched some home movies tonight – Christmas Eve - leaving milk and cookies for Santa, and running down the stairs on Easter morning not being able to stand another minute of wondering what the Easter Bunny had placed in my special pink wicker basket that I loved so much. There was always an empty loaf of bread where we had placed Jesus the Friday previous and a sign saying “He Is Risen.” I cringe at my silence when my young mother of four asked me to explain why the ‘tomb’ was empty. I know that I knew the answer, and yet my eyes were fixed on my pink basket.

As much as I remember my pink wicker basket, the notes to Santa, and the delightful presents that awaited me – I also remember waking up on Thanksgiving morning and being fully aware that Thanksgiving was for giving thanks to our gracious and forgiving Heavenly Father and for being with family. Even as a child, the lack of gifts didn’t take away any of the joy and wonder of Thanksgiving. I always loved it so and still do today.

This year, my life is different, and yet while it gives no reason to withhold the acknowledgment of blessing – I allowed the circumstances of my life to kill the significance of such a wonderful holiday.

‘Black Friday’ arrived and I left the house only once. The majority of the day was spent with my head in my books, staring at the ceiling, working through current struggles and being so humbled it almost gave new meaning to the word.

All I could think was “Who am I?” Who am I Lord that I should think I deserve a different life? An easier one? Who am I to be angry? Bitter? And even worse so instead of being Thankful on Thanksgiving, thoughts crossed my mind as to how my life really couldn’t get much worse.
I was lying on my back on a wonderful bed in a newly redecorated room in a beautiful home and I thought of Job. I thought of how while Job was confused and questioned all that was happening around him on he never became unbelieving. He was a man of integrity, one who sought wisdom and a man who kept on living without all of the answers, and in circumstances that to so many of us would seem hopeless – he kept on living, and he continued to thank God for who He is and for the blessings he had been given.

Job had everything, and it was all taken away. His life remained one that stood solely for the recognition of the greatness of our God. Oh Lord may my life bear witness of your Greatness, Love, Righteousness and Holiness.

In my case, in so many words, I lost nothing that Job had lost, and yet I lacked the strength to keep my eyes straight ahead on my ultimate goal – eternity in the presence of God. Lord, have mercy.

Thank God for Job. Thank God for the ability to gain wisdom and perspective so that we might refrain from committing the same sin over and over again. Thank God for giving us the Holy Spirit as our counselor and protector.
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At the end of the day I began singing Psalm 3. In the words of King David - a man who had done great wrongs in his lifetime - sang of God being the lifter of his head. I found peace in the imagery of his words whilst he ran in fear from his son who sought to kill and usurp power. Our God is our protector, our shield. He is our glory and a loving Father who lifts the heads of sinners.

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me, a sinner.