Death

Death has troubled me in the past couple of days in different way than before. I've felt indescribably angry at those whose thoughtless wrongdoings have handed death to another. I think, "Why couldn't they have waited just three seconds longer, why couldn't they have just not gotten in the car just this once?" I don't know what to do with such death. I cannot find a reason, and I love reason.

The moment my anger subsides, my knees go weak and all I can think is that I am that thoughtless drunk driver. With every sin, with every unwholesome word, thought, or deed, I crucify Christ again, and again. Daily, my sin hands death to another, death to my Savior.

As much as I struggle with death, ultimately, it is the only thing through which I find my source of life. Christ's death has given me life (Isaiah 53) and in turn I must die to myself, daily, hourly, always - to participate in the life and Salvation He brings.

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.



Psalm 51

51:1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Images of Virtue

I want to possess wisdom. In fact, I’d like my life to be marked by being wise – amongst many other things. I desire to make right decisions – consistently. I long to love others – perfectly. I long to know God – in such a way that only comes from a participation in the divine life. All virtues are summed up in the last – I believe, for I cannot truly be wise if it be not a Godly wisdom. I cannot make right choices if they be not from a Godly conscience. I cannot love wholly if my love does not pour directly out of Christ’s love for his Church and for all men.

The disheartening trend today is for men to exercise an image of virtue without knowledge of God – the creator of virtue itself. The experience of such an exercise is far from what it was designed to be. The desire for wisdom stems from a desire for self-exultation and recognition. The attempts to make right decisions exist only to skirt consequences. The longing to love others ‘perfectly’ is merely done as an act of Karma. “I will love another, so that they will love me in return.”

I cannot assume that those who continue to act in part have a longing to know more, nor can I assume that if they were to come to know more would they choose to embrace it.

I long to be wise, just, loving, and Godly. Where I am in the spectrum of things – I am certain I am incapable of judging.

This I know: the trend of empty virtue seems to prove itself not conducive to achieving the expected outcome of true virtue. Why, you ask? I would argue that most would agree that loving only in hopes for love in return is not true love, and in fact strayed very much from the definition of love itself. Also, that wisdom acquired for personal gain does not produce an outcome indicative of true wisdom. A wise decision for personal gain will come out at the expense of another. One cannot make a right decision if their understanding of rightness/truth is concerned with the consensus of the masses – for the crowds will lead them astray. One cannot become Godly if he does not take part in the life of God himself.

I wonder what those men would say if I told them that we can love without being loved in return. We can possess wisdom for a cause greater than our wretched selves. We can make decisions that are right and true whose only consequences are those that refine our souls if we allow them. What if I told them they too could, in fact, know and be known by the God who created wisdom, justice, and love?

No one can ask for more than this: To take part in the triune God – creator of heaven and earth, incarnate of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary to be crucified for the sins of the world.