Feelings: a love/hate relationship.

So often it seems that my life is spent attempting to understand what I feel about it. It's been a battle. A battle to use words that feel, words that explain, and words that bring transparency to my heart and mind. The trouble in it for me is that in actuality, I feel very deeply, and the inability to then identify, understand, and explain becomes the problem. Is there anyone out there who has an easy answer for me? I guess I don't really want an easy answer, I'd just like to be a professional describer of feelings in a way that allows people to know me without wanting to run in the other direction whilst I fumble over incorrect adjectives and descriptors. Eek.. that wasn't what I meant, again.

I bring this up again because I decided how I felt today. It only took me 2 days - that's progress, folks.

Detached. That is what I decided while I ate my frozen yogurt after a mediocre lunch that took up too much room in my stomach. For some reason it seems the world is moving to and fro, and I remain motionless. Something is not connected.

I flew home from Boston on Tuesday evening after a short dream of a week visiting historical sites, savoring delicious meals, trying new things, and spending time with and learning from one of the most amazing people I know. I'm fairly certain it's the culprit as the cause of my feeling the way that I do. For me, I've found I feel the most alive, the most myself when I am experiencing something new (or possibly something old in a new way). Maybe I'm addicted to growth, to knowledge, to broadening views or maybe the OC just doesn't cut it for me. It seems I've left a part of my spirit in Boston, because I feel only half of me has returned home. (Insert pity party here).

I suppose that all I am left with is a dilemma. I feel the social and personal responsibility to rise above the feelings I experience to complete tasks and move forward on commitments to my family, friends, and clients - I just wish feeling like doing those things came with it. Someone wise I know told me once to do what I need to do when I need to do it, and the feelings will follow. I think I will go with that for now, since I lack an epiphany of my own.