Life as I know it.

Observations:

For 2 weeks I've driven 52 miles per day, all in rush hour traffic. It has left me with a solid two hour time slot to process through my life and all of it's changes. After only 14 days I'm flooded with lessons, observations, and challenges. I was thinking about the list on my way into work just today and thought I should start writing them down. So, here it goes:

1. I CAN wake up before 8am. At 6:30am my alarm goes off and I open my eyes to the sun coming up over the hills - I may become a morning person.

2. Sunrises just might be better than sunsets. I feel like they're one of God's most awesome creations and I've missed out my whole life, until now.

3. Food is necessary, taking lunches feels weird. I've left at 5pm grumpy more days than I haven't all because the only sustenance that went into my body was an extra large thermos of leaded coffee. I think I will keep protein bars in my purse.

4. Time is hard to come by. 40 hours a week, 12 units, sleep, eat, shower, and laundry pretty much consume my life. Throw the holidays in there, add a few extra pounds to the physique, and I'm looking for wonder woman to come and teach me her secrets.

5. Traffic...suc.. teaches. Traffic teaches. It teaches patience. For as long as I sit still enjoying my coffee and singing along to some tunes, those few hundred yards where you pass 50mph on your speedometer are glorious. I never appreciated that when I could cruise at 70+ all the way to Irvine.

6. Pick a lane. The first few treks down to Lake Forest (my new work home) were spent moving over to this lane, then to the other, and back again. Hey, they were moving in that one, so I switched. Any time I switched, it only took me longer. Last Monday morning I picked a lane and stayed there and sure enough, I made it in less time. Maybe it's a poor correlation but all I could think of was how we all do in life what I did on the freeway my first half-week. We keep moving around to things that look better, never committing to something and sticking with it. This happens most often in relationships. We see something that seems to be better, we switch, only to find out it faces equal challenges - if not more. If only we had just picked a lane and stayed there! May our eyes not wander to the right or left, but remain fixed on the path before us.

7. I have amazing friends. I feel like I learn this again and again. With all of the chaos, changes, and challenges that life seemed to have dropped by my doorstep in the last year, they have been there. I'm convinced that all man needs is to be known and loved - by God, and his fellow men. I can't imagine where I'd be without them.

8. I still enjoy my work. My first boss was the best - extremely wise, market savvy, ethical, and fun. I really owe it to her for getting me started in Real Estate. It was a sad day when I left. 2.5 years later I left another job that I loved and a boss who had become so much more to me than a colleague. I cried in public when I quit. Yikes! I left her to venture down to South county and begin a new adventure at Fitzpatrick & Prince. I'm 2 weeks in, and I am happy to report that I have been blessed 3 times now. It's really incredible knowing that you work for a company you'd recommend to others without a second thought - one that is innovative and successful, one where the relationships are built on trust, and where the team is the focus rather than the individual. I'm excited about the near and distant future.

There are countless more that linger in my brain. This will suffice for the time being.

*sigh*

September 11th - We will never forget.

I remember waking up 8 years ago. I was living in Chino Hills, CA and had just finished getting ready to head off to school with my sister. Drawers in the bathroom were closing and I heard my mother yell, "Kids, get down here right now!" She never really yelled, so we ran. I will never forget what I saw that day: My mom sitting on the couch folding socks and pajamas, but for a moment she just held two in her hands and stared at the television. We sat down on the couch and watched the replays of the first tower being hit. I get chills down my spine just thinking of it. It didn't look real, it couldn't be real. I remember wanting to cry, but also wanting to understand. I felt helpless and worried.

A few minutes later, after we had thought the damage was done, the second tower was hit. Horrifying.

We went to school a few minutes later with the radio on. In every class that day there was a TV and we talked about how we felt about what was going on in our country. I thought we're being attacked. What if LA was next? I still can't remember why we went to school - life went on that day, and it kept going on for another 8 years.

As scared as I was for my safety, I never once felt alone. For the record: I love my country. I love that freedom is our foundation (no matter how far we've come from that point). I also love that in a place where we technically are free to do as we please, and treat people as we see fit, kindness is still praised and love triumphs. I never felt alone. I knew that no matter who attacked, we'd fight back. WE'D fight back, as one. We did, and here I am today, 8 years later telling about it.

Praise God above for the lives that have been lost to fight for my safety, for our safety. Forever September 11th has changed how I look at the world, it's a lens I put on almost daily. There are enemies abroad, and truly there is evil that is present in this world.

So to all of our fireman and woman, policemen and women, and every branch of the Armed Forces: Thank you. Thank you for saving our lives daily, thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you to their families who let them go every day to fight for us - people they have never met. Truly the life you have chosen to lead is one far more virtuous than many.

May we never forget this day or the lives that we lost.

What did I miss?

Today I realized I missed it. I missed a moment. I missed a window of opportunity.

I’m a ‘moment’ kind of person, if you didn’t know that about me. I think it’s part of the reason why I take so many pictures of life. I am afraid of missing moments, and it’s those that mean so much to me. If I could capture every one, I would. I love considering each one as it’s own entity, with it’s own significance and it’s own meaning. I guess I figured somewhere along the line that because I love moments so much, I wouldn’t possibly miss them, especially the big ones. Then it made me think of how many things I do in fact miss in life.

Really though, how often do we miss our flight, how often do we miss saying goodbye? Have we ever wished we had said something to a stranger? I hear echoes of people saying “did you see that?!” where inevitably I had to reply “no, I missed it!” Maybe it was the perfect shot on goal in the championship game, maybe it was the incomplete pass, 4th down, 2 seconds left in the game on the 1-yard line. Maybe it was a shooting star, or a child’s first steps.

I remember being in Jr. High wondering how to tell a boy that I liked him – what a dilemma! You’d talk with your friends, come up with a great plan, only to find out that he started liking some other girl because she told him before you did. Life was over – for maybe a day, or a week depending on how cute the guy was. When you’re 12 that is a pretty big moment. I missed it again.

As silly as some of those things are, some of the things we miss in life are so poignant, so very necessary. The fact of the matter is, they may not ever come around again. Life isn’t A’float Sushi in Pasadena, CA. Sushi floats by on boats. If you saw something you liked but it passed by, it’s sure to be back again.

All of this to say, I’ve missed some moments lately, and I’ve watched many other people do much of the same. The difficulty in it all is whether or not those missed moments were meant to be missed, or if it was negligence on my part. Most often it’s the latter, and my head falls into my hands as I wished I would have done something different, or done anything at all.


The only kind of remedy I can come up with is to live boldly. Fear is what keeps me still, it’s what keeps me quiet. The way I see it is, I’ve already missed out on too many moments because of some ridiculous and intangible feeling. I think I’ve missed enough.

A few I didn’t miss:

Friday:

I sat in our conference room to get some info from a new client. We chatted, and then we stood up to leave. For some reason I had assumed that he was tall – not so. The look on my face couldn’t have been good when I stood to find him more than 5 inches shorter than I. I was totally caught off guard – I am sure he was by the look on my face.

Saturday:

As I stood in the line at the OCC bookstore I watched as people placed their books on the counter, handed the cashier their plastic, sign and walk out. She kept the same script until I walked up. When she took my American Express she laughed and said “Hey! You’re my first American Express today!” I’m not sure what about it made her face light up – but it did, and mine did too.

Sunday:

I sat at CPK across from a pretty great person. I tore off the paper from the tip of my straw and blew the other portion off and hit him straight in the eye. I felt like a kid. I spend the rest of the lunch laughing so hard my stomach hurt and tears were starting to form. It was the best lunch I’ve had in a long time.

I think I love moments because they can’t be undone. (As much as I hate that the ones you missed can’t be undone either). No one can take them away, they are ours to have, to remember, to enjoy. I plan to do just that.

The joy that new life brings.

I remember thinking on my birthday that the year that had come and gone had been one of the more difficult ones I've made it through in my short life.

There have been days recently where I have felt haunted by expectations, and more so my inability to live up to them. It's strange, I just realized, to be writing during this particular struggle, as I most often write post-struggle when I've pulled out some sort of meaning in retrospect.

I write to you today without an answer, and perhaps without any one specific conclusion, but rather as a fellow soldier, struggling to win another battle.

I do know one thing as of yet - and that is that there are small things in life that help us to remember that it is so much more than the struggle, so much more than the issues - It has everything to do with people, with life, and most importantly, love.

Holding my niece, Audrey Elizabeth is my beautiful reminder of our dependance on our Savior and the grace He has for us, His beloved. I don't believe he could have created a more beautiful creature.

It's been a Summer of struggle, a Summer of new Life, and a Summer of love.

I will share soon.

"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."

I have been thinking about my friends lately - mostly about how grateful I am for the role they play in my life. Without them, I wouldn't be known.

They hug me even when I don't want to be hugged.
They make me whole-wheat cookies when I've had a long day.
They tell me that they love me.
They still tell me that they love me when I show my true colors.
They disagree with me.
They support me.
They make me laugh.
They make me feel included.
They cry with me.
When they see me cry they think no less of me.
They challenge me.

They pray for me.

After studying interpersonal relational communication for 16 weeks - I have a small grasp on relationships and really, how difficult it is to be a part of a good one. I've learned that there are a lot of people who have no idea what it is to be 'known' by someone. It hurts my heart to even begin to imagine that kind of loneliness.

I am known by God, and my friends are the tangible reminder of what it is to be known and loved - unconditionally.

I pray that I can in some way be to them all that they are to me.

I was watching this video... and it made me smile.

The subtle 'oh my gosh' from Ashley is classic - gets me every time.