Dreams and their death.

I feel I have become a professional at grieving the loss of dreams. As years continue to pass me by, I pathetically remember the deadlines I had given myself for the completion of major life events. For so long I was a walking calendar with my main objectives only to make the date and never be late.

I fight the urge still today to return to the old ways, but I’d like to think that I am older and wiser now. Still, there are evenings when I lie awake in bed considering what I’ve made of my life, wondering if I have amounted up to what I thought I should. Debbie Downer? Perhaps. It’s funny how there are days when you feel more bummed and overwhelmed than others. It just might be the grieving of dreams that have died.

We set lofty goals for ourselves, and are naturally discouraged when they do not turn out how we imagined. Rather than look at where we are instead, we more often than not choose to dwell on where we aren’t.

When you think about it, it makes you wonder if dreaming was ever a good idea in the first place! Some say you are setting yourself up for failure when you dream. I think I say that you are setting yourself up for something, which is certainly better than nothing. If dreaming gets you up and moving, do it. A step forward is a step in the right direction.

Never in a million years would I have predicted that I would be where I am today, doing what I do, and being the person that I am. It was nothing that I planned, and certainly never dreamed (in fact I dreamt quite the opposite). It was my dreams that got me going, though, and along the way opportunities presented themselves and I opted in. In a way, I relinquished little by little pieces of my ‘dream’ and allowed it to become something else. Call it the divine hand of God gently guiding my life away from one road to head down another. I believe with all of my heart that even my small ability to take the ‘big picture’ perspective in life situations is nothing compared to the One who created the big picture. I’d argue that He knows best. He can guide all he wants.

With every dream that I grieve the loss of, I get better at understanding and appreciating that new one that has been handed to me.

Are there still days when I feel like I haven’t done enough? Yes. I wish I could say that the feeling of failure has been permanently been replaced with one of accomplishment and satisfaction, but alas, it has not (and may never be). The one thing I am sure of is that in search of these ‘dreams’ (both dead and alive), I’ve found myself, a life that I love, and a peace in the fact that I am not the one in control.

That is quite enough for me.