I feel I have become a professional at grieving the loss of dreams. As years continue to pass me by, I pathetically remember the deadlines I had given myself for the completion of major life events. For so long I was a walking calendar with my main objectives only to make the date and never be late.
I fight the urge still today to return to the old ways, but I’d like to think that I am older and wiser now. Still, there are evenings when I lie awake in bed considering what I’ve made of my life, wondering if I have amounted up to what I thought I should. Debbie Downer? Perhaps. It’s funny how there are days when you feel more bummed and overwhelmed than others. It just might be the grieving of dreams that have died.
We set lofty goals for ourselves, and are naturally discouraged when they do not turn out how we imagined. Rather than look at where we are instead, we more often than not choose to dwell on where we aren’t.
When you think about it, it makes you wonder if dreaming was ever a good idea in the first place! Some say you are setting yourself up for failure when you dream. I think I say that you are setting yourself up for something, which is certainly better than nothing. If dreaming gets you up and moving, do it. A step forward is a step in the right direction.
Never in a million years would I have predicted that I would be where I am today, doing what I do, and being the person that I am. It was nothing that I planned, and certainly never dreamed (in fact I dreamt quite the opposite). It was my dreams that got me going, though, and along the way opportunities presented themselves and I opted in. In a way, I relinquished little by little pieces of my ‘dream’ and allowed it to become something else. Call it the divine hand of God gently guiding my life away from one road to head down another. I believe with all of my heart that even my small ability to take the ‘big picture’ perspective in life situations is nothing compared to the One who created the big picture. I’d argue that He knows best. He can guide all he wants.
With every dream that I grieve the loss of, I get better at understanding and appreciating that new one that has been handed to me.
Are there still days when I feel like I haven’t done enough? Yes. I wish I could say that the feeling of failure has been permanently been replaced with one of accomplishment and satisfaction, but alas, it has not (and may never be). The one thing I am sure of is that in search of these ‘dreams’ (both dead and alive), I’ve found myself, a life that I love, and a peace in the fact that I am not the one in control.
That is quite enough for me.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Super Size Me!
Circa March 22nd, 2010.
I’ve been more introspective lately than I have been for a while – it sure feels good to be back. As I sit here with a bottle of water and an espresso brownie I snagged from the kitchen (yes, after I brushed my teeth), I feel like there are a million thoughts swirling around in my head. (or is it just the caffeine?)
I took a midterm today for my advertising class, and for some odd reason everything I read seemed to reinforce this idea that I had been carrying around for a couple of days. I’d say the thought begins with culture, our culture to be exact. We live in arguably one of the greatest countries in the world – or so many claim. Yes, it’s a lofty claim, but what do we value really, that isn’t lofty?
Would you like to supersize your order?
Have I showed you this oceanfront home? It has every luxury you can imagine at a mere cost of $4.2 Mil.
You’re only getting two?
He’s flying to New York City to propose.
Don’t worry, it’s only going to cost $24 trillion dollars.
“Cost isn’t a consideration with this one…”
If only I had an iPad.
As our waistlines grow, our country falls deeper into debt, and the state of California is on a high-speed train to bankruptcy – we seek lofty things – HUGE things even. We do it as a society, and as individuals. We seek BIG gestures. We’re used to loud noise – at all times.
Part of my essay for the midterm this afternoon was to discuss the criticisms with advertising today – most of which stem directly from the theory that advertising shapes our culture, rather than just reflecting it. I sat there for a good 5 minutes without putting my lead to the paper considering my agreement/opposition of this theory. How influenced am I by this lifestyle of big gestures? I hate to admit that it’s definitely had its moments where it got the better of me. Big gestures are enticing. The make us look and seem important to others (most of whom we may not even know), they grant us a sense of value and worthiness, at least for a time.
This may just my own experience talking, but for me, the bigger the gesture gets, the less meaning it holds. While the big gestures make us valuable to and noticed by others, the small things make us feel appreciated and loved by people we know. In more recent days, I’ve found that a simple note, a good-morning text message, and a long hug after a tough work day have held greater meaning and influence than any other ‘big gesture’ sort of thing ever did. Maybe one day I’ll say otherwise – I just think in a world where few lines are drawn and people are more concerned with one-upping another than anything else, I find it much more satisfying to soak in the small things.
Sigh. I have a feeling I’ll chew on this one for a while.
I’ve been more introspective lately than I have been for a while – it sure feels good to be back. As I sit here with a bottle of water and an espresso brownie I snagged from the kitchen (yes, after I brushed my teeth), I feel like there are a million thoughts swirling around in my head. (or is it just the caffeine?)
I took a midterm today for my advertising class, and for some odd reason everything I read seemed to reinforce this idea that I had been carrying around for a couple of days. I’d say the thought begins with culture, our culture to be exact. We live in arguably one of the greatest countries in the world – or so many claim. Yes, it’s a lofty claim, but what do we value really, that isn’t lofty?
Would you like to supersize your order?
Have I showed you this oceanfront home? It has every luxury you can imagine at a mere cost of $4.2 Mil.
You’re only getting two?
He’s flying to New York City to propose.
Don’t worry, it’s only going to cost $24 trillion dollars.
“Cost isn’t a consideration with this one…”
If only I had an iPad.
As our waistlines grow, our country falls deeper into debt, and the state of California is on a high-speed train to bankruptcy – we seek lofty things – HUGE things even. We do it as a society, and as individuals. We seek BIG gestures. We’re used to loud noise – at all times.
Part of my essay for the midterm this afternoon was to discuss the criticisms with advertising today – most of which stem directly from the theory that advertising shapes our culture, rather than just reflecting it. I sat there for a good 5 minutes without putting my lead to the paper considering my agreement/opposition of this theory. How influenced am I by this lifestyle of big gestures? I hate to admit that it’s definitely had its moments where it got the better of me. Big gestures are enticing. The make us look and seem important to others (most of whom we may not even know), they grant us a sense of value and worthiness, at least for a time.
This may just my own experience talking, but for me, the bigger the gesture gets, the less meaning it holds. While the big gestures make us valuable to and noticed by others, the small things make us feel appreciated and loved by people we know. In more recent days, I’ve found that a simple note, a good-morning text message, and a long hug after a tough work day have held greater meaning and influence than any other ‘big gesture’ sort of thing ever did. Maybe one day I’ll say otherwise – I just think in a world where few lines are drawn and people are more concerned with one-upping another than anything else, I find it much more satisfying to soak in the small things.
Sigh. I have a feeling I’ll chew on this one for a while.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Needs and Wants
I have been thinking (and laughing a little) about how much we rely on other people. I don't think I necessarily mean how we rely on them in big ways - like how we once relied on our parents when we were infants, but more in simple, every day ways that we as adults rely on other adults.
Throughout the day I hear people running back to an office "What did I just say?" or "What was the last name on that file again?" The responder laughs, offers the answer and life goes on. I love watching couples have a conversation together with someone else. You'll find them looking at each other in agreement (or disagreement) and every so often you'll hear one seek affirmation from the other. They give an answer, turn to their partner and ask, "right, honey?"
I wonder that we really need each other in this way. I mean, if we thought long enough, we could remember the last name, what we had said minutes previous, and we can certainly answer for ourselves - we do so often. A big part of me loves that while we can do these things alone, we chose to include another.
In the last couple of weeks I've thought a lot about 'need' versus 'want'. I never thought myself a needy person, and on occasion I worry that I have become just that. Really though, it's not (in this case) that I need something, it's just that I want it, and I realize that my life is better with certain people in it than without. While I do not NEED them, I want them and I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's just a small thought for the day, but a meaningful one. Think about all the times we look to another to help us think, remember, or just purely to include them in our life. It's neat, not needy.
It helps me remember that while our culture is so calloused and closed off, we still want to include, and be included in the lives of others.
Throughout the day I hear people running back to an office "What did I just say?" or "What was the last name on that file again?" The responder laughs, offers the answer and life goes on. I love watching couples have a conversation together with someone else. You'll find them looking at each other in agreement (or disagreement) and every so often you'll hear one seek affirmation from the other. They give an answer, turn to their partner and ask, "right, honey?"
I wonder that we really need each other in this way. I mean, if we thought long enough, we could remember the last name, what we had said minutes previous, and we can certainly answer for ourselves - we do so often. A big part of me loves that while we can do these things alone, we chose to include another.
In the last couple of weeks I've thought a lot about 'need' versus 'want'. I never thought myself a needy person, and on occasion I worry that I have become just that. Really though, it's not (in this case) that I need something, it's just that I want it, and I realize that my life is better with certain people in it than without. While I do not NEED them, I want them and I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's just a small thought for the day, but a meaningful one. Think about all the times we look to another to help us think, remember, or just purely to include them in our life. It's neat, not needy.
It helps me remember that while our culture is so calloused and closed off, we still want to include, and be included in the lives of others.
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