Time passed.

It's been over a year since I've collected enough thoughts to compile into a post for this blog.

Thought may never be static, but it turns out I certainly can be.

In the last year I:

1. Got engaged (that was the last you read).
2. Planned a wedding.
3. Received what I believe to be God's two largest blessings and greatest gifts: My husband, and true reconciliation with a family that I hold so dear.
4. Married my best friend.
5. Moved out of my parents home and into my own that I share with the best roommate.
6. Spent 2 weeks in Europe.
7. Gained some weight.
8. struggled/cried/stressed.
9. laughed/rejoiced/sang.
10. ended my time mentoring 6 amazing young women after 6 precious years.

I made a promise to one person forever, and I watched the end come and go to the longest relationship(s) I've ever been voluntarily committed to.

Could anything have happened to make this a more change-ful year? Perhaps if I had a sweet babe in my arms, or if we were paying a mortgage. It seems it is safe to say that it's been the biggest and most impactful year of my life.

I adore my husband for so many reasons, and I feel many more blogs coming on just to brag about him.  One of those, in short, is his awareness of the world. He reads. I mean reads constantly. You should take a look at his "read it later" list - it's almost absurd.

While he continues to learn more and read more, I find myself realizing how different I am now than I once was. I used to be obsessed with news, with domestic and foreign politics, war, etc. Now, I almost try harder to ignore it. The world and the people in it disappoint me over and over, that now I cherish tuning them all out and getting to know my man, or my niece and nephew. I want to chat with my mom and know how my grandpa is doing now that his mom has gone to be with the Lord.

There is a feeling of time slipping away and lives growing wider and taller that I want to cherish every bit.

I never thought I'd be this way - shutting out the 'world' in my free time, ignoring news and the lame political banter I used to live for. For all the reasons that's probably not the greatest place to be, I am certainly happy to know that I am a changing person, one who grows and alters as life rubs me this way and that.

Change is good - and this past year has been the greatest example of that.

Rules of Engagement

Rule #1. Don't be engaged for too long.

For me, I don't see the point. We want to be married, and frankly, the wedding is just a means to that end. I wish I didn't have to wait so long.

In the words of Harry Burns, "... because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Ray's wisdom

Today, my mind is different than it was 2 months ago. My thoughts, emotions, feelings, and my perspective in general has changed. Such a scary word that is to so many people, and admittedly, myself as well.

How I used to think played into how I listened to music. I was sitting at a Ray LaMontagne concert tonight at the Santa Barbara Bowl with my sister and it dawned on me. All of these songs that I had listened to over a short span of years that had meant so much to me then, had changed. The honest love song of trials and triumph - back then caused my heart to long after a future with just that. Songs of bitterness and hurt made me think about past relationships and made me feel somehow victorious. Oh, but not today. Today, I listened with a new perspective. One song that I loved from long ago meant so much more to me now than it ever could have then. Ray sang "Shelter" tonight and it hasn't left my mind since. It goes a little something like this:

   "Listen when all of this around us'll fall over I tell you what we're gonna do You will shelter me my love I will shelter you" 

I believe in this life we are made to shelter each other, from the 'storms' of life. We shelter our families, our friends, but most importantly is when we promise to shelter the one that we love for as long as we have breath. We promise to protect them - shelter from attack, to provide for them - offering a physical shelter, to love and encourage them - sheltering them from the mind's negativity and insecurities.

I love this concept so much because of it's simplicity. Sometimes it seems that all of the advice in the world is so complex and involves deep thought and steps. Not so with sheltering. Do you think in the middle of fight you'll be able to work through all of the 'steps' given to you by a book or a counselor? Life doesn't always allow us the luxury of time or circumstance to put those lovely theories to work. They sound great, but they won't get you very far.

If we could remember to just shelter each other, we could get out of our own way, we'd think of our partner first, we'd probably fight less, love more, and grow a healthy meaningful relationship.

Realizing that while it's a simple concept, it actually takes practice. A lot of it if you are me. We are born individuals. We are taught to be independent and to look out for ourselves. We guard, we distance, we fight. None of which are necessarily bad out in the big scary world that's out to get us, but can be completely damaging to a life shared.

Turns out, this whole new world for me (I mean, 'us') is a time to re-train my mind and how it reacts. I can't do what I'm used to, not because it isn't allowed, but because I want so badly to be of a sheltering mindset. I want Jason to know just  how I think about him and that is only possible when I literally act on that change. Really, because what is the point in being together forever if you can't know that this person will literally be next to you as your shelter when everything is falling around you.

Come to my house one day. I want it written and posted, you'll see. As long as we live we will have room to grow and can improve how we treat and react to others - most importantly to the one closest to you.

You will shelter me my love, I will shelter you.

Marriage Advice

Yes, I know, I'm not married. Not yet anyways. I promise not to bombard anyone with nieve marriage advice babble, but I have learned one thing so far in the month I've been engaged (Oh yeah, BTW, I'm ENGAGED). 

Marry someone who you know will make you better. I am.

Two hairs past a freckle

I’m halfway obsessed with how quickly time seems to pass. I say it so often I’m starting to annoy myself. My sincerest apologies to all those who’ve had to suffer along side of me due to my continuous ramblings.  I don’t think it’s ever felt the way it does now, but I am willing to be wrong on that.

My niece turns two on Sunday, and my nephew was just born this past May. My grandmother is slowly losing her sight, and not so slowly her ability to drive, even cook. Maybe it’s that I’m surrounded by life at it’s beginning and life in the end simultaneously. I find myself celebrating and grieving for both sides. Celebrating the years of wisdom and life in my grandmother and the hope of a beautiful and blessed future full of surprises for those little kiddos. At the same time, I cannot help but mourn with my grandmother as she deals with the loss of physical ability and memory – and those beautiful little ones at the life they face, the family struggle that they have been born into. I fear we may never escape the teeter-totter of joy and sorrow in life. I’m not sure we were designed that way.

Perhaps it is more than the comparison of old and young. It seems to move beyond the physical body and tangible change.

I am not the same that I was 4 years ago, 2 years ago. I worry less and share more. I think a little less, and feel much deeper. It’s still strange that while so much can change, there are some things that seem to never. I am comforted by that. I used to worry about becoming someone entirely new, someone I’d have to re-learn all over. Myself and I, we’ve learned a lot about each other and it helps to remind yourself who are you from time to time.

Just as with my family, I celebrate and grieve with myself – the losses and gains. As a child and even the early stage of adulthood I knew myself as an independent forerunner. I wanted to find my own life, maybe run my own company. I thought I was different, and found little to no shame or insecurity in that. If only I could write down all of my silly daydreams of success and loneliness. I made it glamorous, not to worry. Every guy I dated has his pros, but for one reason or another, they never caused me to toss those dreams aside.

I was safe in my chosen life. No one had to know my faults, because of course if they did, they might freak out and leave.

Until more recently, I had accepted it all.  And now, I’ve tossed those lovely childish dreams aside for something, someone, infinitely better. Words truly cannot begin to express how my wonderful man has been a catalyst for so much change in me. Without his encouragement and commitment I am so sure I would not be where I am today. Feeling completely humbled daily by how his character and heart allows me to grow hardly describes just what kind of impact it has made. I believe more than anything that God placed him in my life because he made him to be right for me and ultimately, He’d be able to refine me in and because of our relationship.

Weeee how times change! It is still strange to watch that old part of me dwindle in the distance and honestly believe that life is actually better with someone to share it with. I find much more joy for what is to come and the grief that dwindles pales in the comparison.

Time passes, that is still true. It continues on it’s own path regardless of how mine causes me to view it. I’ll take pictures when it seems to fly, and count my blessings when it continues to move me through the dryer patches in life.